We Are So Over

Dear BYU. We Are So Over. It's Over. Ever since I found out about you and my sister it has been over. OMG.

Ok. Just had to get that out.

Dear Everyone Else,

As some of you may know, I am in the wonderful, life-sucking process of applying for Graduate School. In the process I have had to deal extensively with Brigham Young University in an attempt to get transcripts, records, ect. It is like dealing with an ex boyfriend you dumped years ago who hasn't gotten over it yet. Let's recap.

I started dating BYU in 2004. BYU was hot. BYU had dorms and I could stay out past my parents curfew and BYU had boys. BYU also accepted me. Accepted me and begged me to come to his campus and chill with his crew.

Even though I was still in High School, I dated BYU for a long time. I think I even "scrapbooked" my acceptance letter. I signed the honor code. It was fine, I could give up mini-skirts, BYU was such a great guy.

But then there was the U. The U's history teaching program was actually accredited (wowzers.) The U's campus had trees and old buildings and didn't resemble the potential set if 1984 was ever made into a movie. The U had professors who actually cared and answered my questions. My academic advisor wasn't so busy looking at her engagement ring to help me with my schedule.

Needless to say, it was love at first sight.

I dumped BYU. My parents were heartbroken. My grandmother (yes, that grandma,) told me that if I just spent more time on my knees, I would see the error of my ways. But the U was so much hotter.

BYU never stopped calling. Two semester's into my relationship with the U he was still calling. Should I hold your dorm? You haven't paid your tuition yet, or signed up for student health insurance, we really need you to do that. Things got heated when BYU called my mom demanding that I pay tuition to a university I never attended. It took my mother screaming "MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT GO TO BYU!!!!!" for the phone calls to stop.

I relapsed in 2006. BYU told me they would take me to London. The U was hot, but even I have a price. The U and I got back together after Study Abroad.

A few months ago BYU sent a collections agency on me. Seriously. I got a letter in the mail stating that if I did not pay the bill for BYU's student health insurance policy, they would come after me and ruin my credit. I had to get my Dad (a lawyer) to defend my honor. Apparently BYU thought that because I went on Study Abroad for one semester in 2006, I was secretly attending and needed to pay for 2007's health insurance.

BYU finally seems to have gotten the message. Too much, in fact. Now when I ask for my transcripts they're all "Do we know you? Are you sure you attended a Study Abroad program with us?" They're all pretending that what we had never happened. That hurts, BYU. That hurts.

P.S. And it is so not ok that you are dating my sister. So not cool.


Jscrapalex said...

That was one of the most awesome things I have ever read! Very very creative spin on your hellful experience with the Y. :)

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Stephanie said...

um, i do not speak spanish.

Stephanie said...

or italian or porteguese.

Jessica said...

This is awesome. You need to go writing.

Shelly Benson said...

BYU is so delusional... he acts like he's never been dumped before.

Sorry for the year-late-comment. I'm a recent fan of your blog and was reading through some of your old posts. Loved this one!

Brittany Stiles said...

I literally LOLed at this. What you said about the professors, the campus, and the counselors was spot on. I know because I dated BYU for 4 years too long.