For a number of undisclosed psychological reasons, okay, wait, let's disclose- I'm a control freak- I often find myself making "rules" in my head when faced with a situation I don't like. (Oftentimes.) Unfortunately, since my policy-making only occurs mentally, small children are still allowed inside Jasmine restaurant, and Jean is still calling me to come back to work.

I believe it is time for my policies to leave the realm of my imagination, in the hopes that by stating them in type someone with a modicum of power will discover them and make them law. Because I am a benevolent future dictator, I will explain the reason behind my infinite logic by describing the situations that inspired the "rules." Continue.

A few days ago, at Jasmine, I walked by a table of ten or so college aged men. All were wearing girl pants, size double 00, and had obviously spent considerable time flat-ironing their hair so that it lay spikey and flat across their foreheads. They were discussing whether or not to "go to 80's," a phrase I recognize by attending the University of Utah and rejecting numerous offers to go to 80's night at some club. I was usually asked out by a boy wearing pants so tight that the flow of oxygen was cut of from his brain, and consequently, he forgot he was gay. Anyways, the young men were wondering who to invite, when one of them suggesting calling up Mike.

"Noooooooooooo. Dude! We can't call Mike!" Was the resounding squeal from the table.

"Dude, Mike is soooo gay."

Rule # 23157- Boys wearing pants designed for the opposite gender sporting hair that took longer than that of their female counterparts revoke the right to question anyone Else's sexuality. Why? Because it creates such intense situational irony that others listening to their conversation are rendered dangerously close to choking on their diet coke.

The next day, sadly once more at Jasmine, I had the opportunity to overhear a couple on their very first date. (For future reference, daters, If you are on a first date at a restaurant, guaranteed your server knows this, and that the entire kitchen staff is monitoring your behavior and making fun of you in the back. But I digress.) Anyway, the female part of the date was wearing tight jeans, stiletto's and a mesh turtleneck (again with the irony,). She apparently was at the part of the date where she felt the need to describe herself in great detail. Behold-

"I'm just a mellow, nice, girl, I guess the best way to describe me is really down-to-earth."

Rule # 23158- Girls wearing mesh apparel of any kind are not allowed to describe themselves as anything except the following- slutty, desperate, or surgically enhanced. (Or all three, if the situation merits it, and, my friends, I promise you it did)

Addendum- The makers of mesh turtlenecks will cease and desist immediately.

Honestly, why I have not been granted some high government position is simply beyond me.


Anonymous said...

i want to wear mesh. i want to. i want to.

supercamile said...

Steph, your brothers are wearing woman pants right now. Rescue us

Stephanie said...

you CAN wear mesh. just dont describe yourself as down to earth. if you are going to wear mesh. you should OWN IT.

Lena said...

I love your rules. If I ever get into a position of power, I will pass those into law with in the first week. Shortly followed by some sort of #2 position for you. So I could lay back and just be a trophy dictator.