Bad Things Also Happen to People Who Clean

Today, because I felt guilty for teasing my mother about shouting "Lipstick, Steph, Lipstick!" (After reading the post, she denied ever throwing lipstick down the stairs,) I wore the pink button-down she gave me. And Dan actually noticed it (probably because it wasn't black,) and complimented me on it. So Mom, one point to you.

As of this morning, the score stands thus.

Steph: 1 (Because mom really did throw lipstick)

Mom : 1 (Because the pink shirt really does look good)

I must have felt like making it up to her, so I decided to follow her example (temporarily) and engage in some spring cleaning, mother style. You see, while wearing lipstick and earrings, my mother is the type of person who cannot just clean, she must adopt a scorched-earth policy against dirt. She washes the walls, she dusts, she wraps a rag around a butter knife and cleans the slots of the air vents. All while writing a grant, editing papers, and successfully convincing colleges to give kids scholarships they only sometimes deserve.

I had just finished cleaning the vent (mother did pass on her OCD, THANKS MOM) when I decided to dust the shelf above our stove. It is very high up, since Dan squished it up practically against the ceiling in order to compensate for our midget kitchen. So I was standing on a chair, dusting, when I felt the chair slipping on the linoleum. I was crashing, I was falling on the chair, then onto the floor, then the chair fell on me. After a few minutes of swearing profusely, I decided to not be a baby and get off the floor. In doing so I cracked my head on the counter. I stumbled again, and scraped me hip on the same counter.

I now have-

a goose egg on my head

an enormous, very unattractive bruise on my butt

and a long menacing scratch up my hip bone.

Clumsiness? I think not. Just as I have no business wearing lipstick or khakis, my kitchen has no business being so clean.

Thus, the score stands as follows.

Stephanie: 78927 points. Granted, they are sympathy, but the bruise hurts a lot and this is my blog.

Kitchen: 98789088: For totally kicking my ass.

Mom : -294u56 points, for planting the idea of dusting in my head in the first place.


UPDATE: Dan just read this post and would like everyone to know that he always notices the pink shirt. This is probably true, but I am still going to accuse him of saying that just to suck up to my mother. And I would like to remind him that he is already my parents favorite child and they have already left him everything in the will. So totally unnecessary brown-nosing. I deduct 10 points from your score.


Lena said...

Can' on the floor...lipstick...whew, can't breathe...

Jessica said...

I love how your mom's score has a "u" in it. That must be worth alot.

Spencer said...

You are hilarious Steph. I am sorry for the crash and burn.

Nik "the BoyWonder" said...

Top 10 posts of all time!!

Mar said...

I love to clean--butter knife with a rag around it--I am making a note to do that. Could I possibly be a Nielson offspring? I wouldn't complain if I was.

Lisa Louise said...

wow i'm sorry to year you fell but oh my gosh it made me wish I could've been there to see it.

meagan said...

From my perma-bruised hip bone to yours: "I feel ya."

P.S. I've found that lip gloss is a decent compromise... (: