dear eternal family,

Ever since I was an infant, my extended family (on my mother's side) has held "informal" get togethers every Sunday evening. These were usually hosted by my grandma, who, without saying a word, somehow guilted everyone into coming. Every Sunday. For over 20 years. I can only imagine what that kind of power feels like.

Now that my grandma has left on a mission, the Sunday get together has dwindled to a few of us eating cereal at my Aunt's house. Thus, spouseman and I decided that he could safely opt out of the get-together. I would go, ( I can't not go. I have been cognitively trained to seek out my family every Sunday evening. No matter where they are.) and spouse would stay home to finish a project. (Ok, I'm outing him. He was tying a quilt for his friend's infant.)

Anyway, I show up at said get together, sans Dan. And you would think it was the freaking end of the whole world.

relative: "Where's Dan?"

me : "He's at home. He's finishing that quilt."

relative: "Did we hurt his feelings?" (me, internally: wtf?)

me: "No. He just wanted to finish that quilt."

relative: "Are you sure?"

me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

relative: "Now I'm worried we hurt his feelings!"

me: trying to resist the urge to strangle relative.

other relative: Hey, where's Dan.

me: At. Home.

other relative: Well is he coming?

me: I don't think so.

other other relative: Wait! Where's Dan?

me: sigh.

Replay scene 10 times.

Despite the fact that only 1/3 of the family was there, my missing husband was apparently so catastrophic, that the whole function fell apart. Despite the fact that I have been faithfully coming to these functions my whole life, my husband of barely over 1 year is clearly more important. Then I remembered the near-to-last thing my grandma said to me before leaving on her mission-

"If you ever leave Dan, I will just stop talking to you."

Gee, thanks. After we all die (and hopefully not by strangulation,) and are enjoying the next life as an eternal family, I will apparently need to duct tape myself to my husband. Because I just can't handle an eternity of "Where's Dan?"

I hope they have duct tape in heaven.


Brammer Family said...

Taylor suggested you conduct an experiment:

Have Dan go to these Sunday gatherings without you and see if there are any "Where's Stephs?" :)

My grandma had the same "power" and has now passed in down to my mother. It must be the dessert that gets me there. ???

You crack me up. :)

mommy dearest said...

Heaven provides white duct tape for those who leave their spouses home from the mandatory informal Sunday gathering. Duh steph.

Nemesis said...

Dang. I don't know which thing would drive me crazier--the "where's Dan?" questions or the mandatory Sunday dinners. But this is probably because I grew up away from my extended family. Also because I have no natural feelings.

your favourite [sic] said...

I would be happy to oblige, were it not for the fact that I'm about as attracted to her as I am to Morgan (i.e. not a whole lot). I think it comes from knowing too much about her. You know what I'm talking about. Oh boy must you know.

the same said...

PS Do you ever not approve comments? That would be the ultimate virtual slap in the face. Yes, I can see how this makes you feel powerful.

Stephanie said...

dear "the same"

are you who i think you are? :)

in answer to your question, yes i occasionally reject comments. some though, i just keep in my inbox, unpublished, because they are so completely out there that they still make me laugh (i.e. your blog makes my heart ashamed...)

others i just copy and insert into a blog. that is also fun.

and to my favorite-

fine. don't take one for the team. i understand. i really do.

Nik "the BoyWonder" said...

silence in golden...duct tape is silver

Lisa Louise said...

looks like they love him more than you :) don't worry we love you steep.

Valerie said...

At my wedding reception (MY side, not my husbands) everyone told ME how lucky I was and that I better take good care of HIM. Wuh? These are people that I've known my whole life ganging up on me for someone most of them never met before. At least your relatives know Dan.

I feel your pain.