to my dear westy

Dear Grad School,

You are manipulative, abusive, and mean.

You insist that I spend every waking moment with you. And also several moments when I should not be waking. You encourage me to eat bad food from your campus out of desperation. The stress of being with you gives me an enormous zit, conveniently on the day you decide that I must make a video presentation to share with the class.

Then you keep me up all night working on a presentation, so that five minutes before the presentation, I spill yogurt all over myself because my motor skills always go first when sleep deprived. Also, you convince me that eating yogurt with a fork is a good idea, because your cafeteria is out of spoons. Damn you. *

And I know that you are seeing other people. 24 other people, to be exact. Other people including one comment mccomm!You think I don't know? I totally know!

We spend hours together developing lesson plans, and then you hand me a textbook that tells me every assumption I have ever had is wrong and inept. (If you were a real boy, this would be like you hooking up with me for my "nice body" and then giving me a weight-watchers manual. For Valentine's Day)

But Westy, you are so charming and handsome. So I will stay with you. Especially since, as you always remind me in your long apology texts after we fight, in less than one year you will give me a piece of paper. A piece of paper that grants me an extra $9,000 a year in my chosen field.

And that piece of paper is waaaay better than the one my last boyfriend gave me (my bachelor's) so I will stay with you. But just so you know, even though that paper was useless, the U was nicer. (If the U were a real boy, he'd be that sweet geeky guy you like, but you won't go out with because you are busy dating the jerk with the car.)

And that piece of paper is way nicer than the piece of paper BYU gave me. That was called an "honor code" and it was the bane of my existence.

So even though you are a total cheating jerk, I will still love you.

The end.

Love, Stephanie.

*True stories.


mommy dearest said...

you are cheating on Dan?

Nicole said...

"Honor Code". Even typing it makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Mar said...

Steph, I love your comparisons of school to boys. It's so true. I once dated Westminster for a few months and I dumped him and started dating my condo. It was just something I had to do for me.

Jessica said...

That two-timing U of U! Had I known, I never would have put up with it! I'm just such a softy for nerds.

Nik "the BoyWonder" said...

Westy sounds like a mormon mom name should dump this guy straight away!

Carley A. T. said...

Yeah, my brain hurts too. I can barely type anymore, let alone feed myself. Oh, the good times that Westy provides. said...

My hubby starts his masters at BYU this fall and I already feel this way and I am not even going there!

Tyler said...

Bah. I feel as though Westy came in for a quickie, but left before it was my turn. Almost done for the "summer" though. I love video presentations (ha, ha) my will be sure to please. Unlike Westy or as I like to call it WestMonster.