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10/13/08

not quite the same as "always say a prayer"

I live in my grandmother's house. She is on a mission in the butt-crack of nowhere, and I am now the "Keeper of the Vinyl*."

She has those Vinyl-lettering on wooden boards things all over the house.

Always Say A Prayer

If It Gets Too Hard To Stand, Kneel

As For Me and My House We Will Serve the Lord

The Only Idol I Worship Is Martha Stewart.

No. Not the last one. I made that up.

I've never been into the little wooden sign thing. I'm not against them specifically, but I really just don't need lots of vinyl to remind me to pray. That is what I use caffeine for.

BUT. IF I did ever decide to get a vinyl sign with words it would say this:

DO NOT ENGAGE WITH CRAZY.

I think this sign would actually help me with my life. You see, I always have the problem of assuming that most people are relatively normal and can be reasoned with. I am wrong. Which is the wording a Vinyl sign would have if Le Spouse were in charge of picking a sign for me, but he isn't. **

Here are the people I will not engage with.

1. Anyone, including relatives, who say the words community organizer with the same spite I usually reserve for the words anti-Semite and pedophile. Even if you don't like Obama, it is never a bad thing to try and be engaged in helping your community.

2. Anyone, including relatives, that try and engage me in a political discussion in front of my very conservative extended family. They do not want to discuss things reasonably. They want to make me feel bad.

3. Any customer at my cafe over the age of 70. Even if you did tell me you wanted mustard on your sandwich, I will not engage. I will make you a new sandwich.***

4. Comment McCommenster. Will always think I am a complete ADD crackhead, even though I keep telling her I'm just ADD, I gave up the crack years ago.

I. Will. Not. Engage.



* Is that how you spell vinyl? It looks wrong. Mean Commenter Person, DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS QUERY.

**NO, he wouldn't really. If Le Spouse were in charge of picking a sign for me it would be all, "I love you forever, muffin, but you are totally wrong on this subject, you know it, I know it, but you are just to stubborn to admit it. I still love you, please don't throw that can of diet coke at me, LOVES." Again, he is not in charge.

*** No, I won't. I will just take your sandwich apart, spray some mustard on it, rearrange it so that it looks different, add a new toothpick, and send it back out. That is called NOT ENGAGING.



13 comments:

bonz said...

Bahahaha. Have you seen this? http://sixldswriters.blogspot.com/2008/10/all-because-two-people-fell-in-love.html

Hub and I spent a good 20 minutes coming up with vulgar things that would look awesome in vinyl. Yep, that's how it's spelled.

Janssen said...

Maybe it's just me, but has the use of vinyl just gotten completely out of hand?

JustMe said...

Dear Steph:

You are sounding hostile and really quite stressed.

Please come have Sunday dinner with my family and me. I’ll cook you lots of wonderful southern dishes – black-eyed peas, sweet potato soufflĂ©, squash casserole, fried fatback and wonderful cornbread. As my daughter likes to say, “my mom has never cooked a healthy vegetable in her life.” However, you must promise not to discuss politics because we are an all-Republican household. Just plan to lie in the hammock and enjoy the beautiful fall weather and eat yummy veggies.

If you leave Friday morning, you can be here just in time for dinner. I promise you - there will not be a vinyl sign anywhere in my house.

Lena said...

I love you MCB.

LaDawn said...

Mormon Mommy Blogs, I had to chuckle at the title of your blog, because I was a Mormon Child bride myself.
I LOVE those vinyl signs. We have bunches of them throughout the house. I even have some vinyl lettering that I have applied directly to the wall.
I do everything I can to try to inspire my boys.

Stephanie said...

gurr

bahahahahaaa! that made my day.

janssen-

yes

just me-

YES. But can my two teenage sisters come. I am in charge of them, and I think they could use some food besides costco frozen food. we will vote for whoever you want if we can all come. (seriosuly though, how nice of you)
ps. i never answered your last email. i'm sorry. i thought your practice post was funny and great!


lena-

i love you too

ladawn-

it's totally okay to like vinyl.

Jessica said...

When it gets too hard to stand, I usually lie down. Kneeling isn't much easier than standing.

Nemesis said...

My sister Jenny and I have big plans for vinyl lettering thingies. One of them (which will go in the kitchen) will read, "There'll be no butter in hell!"

And the other will say, "The wages of sin is death."

It's gonna be great.

JustMe said...

Of course little MCB, do bring the sisters, it would just be rude to leave them at home. In fact, if you can get EVERYONE to vote my way, bring the whole state of Utah. ;-) Just let me know how many people are coming in case I need to buy a much larger house and dining room table.

MandoRama said...

Hmmm . . . your phrase of choice would make an excellent Subversive Cross-stich! (http://subversivecrossstitch.com/)

Brandon said...

So...my friend who works in the HR deparment of a nurse staffing company is always using the phrase, "Well, it is what it is," to explain to annoying nurses the downfalls of their insurance plans...so his department gave him a wood sign for his desk that reads, "It Is What It Is."

You can totally have anything you want put on a sign. I'll getcha the website!

jeri said...

So I was TOTALLY thinking of the great "There'll Be No Butter In Hell" vinyl signage that we'll all be sporting this Christmas and darn it if Nem beat me to the comment. And if you don't think that's funny, you must watch the movie "Cold Comfort Farm".

Zina said...

I actually just called up my mom to help me remember this, so I hope you appreciate it. A couple Christmases ago my dad's 2nd wife (I can't bring myself even to call her step-mom, since they married after I was grown and married myself,) gave us all glass bricks that said "LIVE LAUGH LOVE" on them. After I got mine home, I peeled off all but three of the letters, so it said "UGH."

(Ugh is also how I feel about your choice of candidate, but on the vinyl thing at least I'm right there with you. Although, true confessions, I saw some art-type ones the other day that you apply directly to you wall, and I actually did think they were kind of cool. But, since in five years of living here I haven't decorated much at all, there's little chance I'll go all vinyl on my house anytime soon.)