My husband and mother occasionally bi-, ahem, complain about the difficulties associated with living with someone with ADD. To which I generally respond: Oh poor babies, eternally sealed to genius.
My husband and mother also have a theory that my father and I are a bit autistic. To which I say: There are worse things.
However, I gained some sympathy for the two after going shopping with my father. Not only did he frequently abandon his shopping cart (with wallet, coat, and selected items inside) to go look at something covered in glitter, he also frequently complained (as I often do,) about the presence of "too many damn people in this store!"
If he wasn't checking out sparkly Christmas wreaths selling for $300, he was asking employees to help him locate things, only to walk away mid-sentence, and in the most awkward moment, asking a fellow customer if he could pet her tiny dog.
Dad: "Can I pet your dog?" (while already petting dog)
Suspicious middle-aged woman:"Ummmm...."
Dad: I love dogs. But I'm not allowed to have one. I can either have a wife, or a dog.
At which point, the SMAW looks at me, assumes I am the wife, and gives me a look that could only mean "You little gold-digging tramp." Because apparently 49 yr. old men do not go shopping at Home Goods with their 22 yr. old married daughters. Only Hugh Hefner wannabees and gold-diggers allowed, thank you very much.
Anyway, after successfully navigating him through the check-out, where he tried unsuccessfully to barter with the grumpy cashier, ("Is that the best deal I can get? Is this what I get for being so good looking!") he dropped me off, somewhat dejectedly.
I later heard that he felt unsatisfied with his shopping experience. This may have had something to do with the fact that every time he asked me if he wanted yet another shiny vase/sparkly Christmas tree/ lavender bath-towels, I said "No Dad, you don't."
I feel sort of guilty now.
Next time, I will let you buy something covered in glitter.
Love, Your DAUGHTER (not your wife.)
Dear Mom/Spouse: There are still worse things.