we did not marry based on our mutual love for animals.

We have a house guest. His name is Pig, the Guinea Pig. Spouse is caring for him until his owners return on Wednesday.

I am having nothing to do with him (the animal, not my Spouse,) because I hate animals. I know. I know. I'm a terrible person. But it is true. I hate animals. I don't hate the people that own animals, and I thought the baby elephant at the zoo was as adorable as anyone else, but I don't like having them (the animals, not the people that like them,)in my home.

5 Reasons I Hate Animals.

1. Germs. My mother and father are very different people, but of the few things they have in common (beyond their mutual distaste for the Republican Party,) is a phobia of all things germy, which, (along with a hearty distaste for the Republican Party,) they instilled in most of their children. Growing up, it was either my father encouraging us "not to touch that handrail thousands of other people have touched," or my mother forbidding us to go barefoot on the carpet in the hotel room because, "it's infested with other people's dead skin cells!"

So you can rightfully assume that it is killing me slowly to have this CREATURE in my HOUSE that spends the majority of its time sitting in its own poop and foraging for food which is often found right next to the poop. And then, Spouse would have the audacity to encourage me to PET this CREATURE. Honestly, Spouseman, honestly.

2. Germs.

3. Germs.

4. They smell weird.

5. I'm allergic to them anyways.

Of course, Spouse feels very differently about the situation. He spends significant amounts of time cooing at it and talking to it like it has brain larger than a brussel sprout, and convincing me that it is "cute."

I have maintained my "No Animals" position thus far, but my heart did melt a tiny bit when I saw him crouched next Pig's container and heard him whisper, "Now be good, Pig, your behavior over the next few days determines whether or not my wife let's me have one of you guys next year..."



Annette Lyon said...

Run! Run like the wind! No pigs!

(A cat, maybe. They clean themselves and don't sit in their poop.)

Lena said...

Me and Spouseman are similar. I love the pets, and will have a house full of them some day. But I get the one about the germs. I am a germaphobe and meticulously wash hands and surfaces the pets may have touched. Nik is like you. But he likes to look at them and talk about them, he just wont care for them.

Michelle said...

i agree with spouseman on this one ... i too think they are "cute".

amanda said...

I love my link on your blog. You were smart to get away from jasmine as soon as you could. Jonathan and I ended up having to cling together for support and encouragement in standing up to jean and the annoying old people and the crappy tippers. It was a good alliance, which will continue long past our official last day at jasmine, January 6th. I think we'll end up celebrating that date more than our actual wedding anniversary.

Oh p.s., I don't think we're related. My dad is cousins with your aunt janene who is married to brad who is your mom's brother. Is that correct? if so, we're barely not related. we just share relatives.

Carley A. T. said...

I have a general weakness for all animals. This weakness attributed to Alex and me adopting two cats from the pound, getting a hyper Italian Greyhound, and having six fish. We actually have a rule "no more animals" because our current batch has reached such a good homeostasis. And believe me, that was not easy.

Plus, I do not share your fear of germs. I'm a firm believer that you will get more sick avoiding them than you will living with them. Or in them. (This is NOT to say my house is filthy, I just don't hesitate using public handrails). I rarely get sick.

But everyone has their own vices. Lately, mine is the Big Gulp. Damn you 7/11.

Ali said...

I ate a Guinea Pig once in Ecuador. It was greasy/chewy. My comp ate one of the eyeballs. She said it was even chewier. You should print off a recipe for ROAST CUY (guinea pig) and post it somewhere your husband will find it.

I think he'll get the picture how welcome those things are in your house

kitty said...

now that i have a google account i can comment! i have one more reason to hate animals-fur. gets all up in your buisness like sand does post beach visit. don't let husband get one, you'll be chewing you're food and you'll find youself thinking, "ew, what's this flavor? oh snap, it's pig ass fur!" no no to animals!

love you/stalk you,

your fav, mal-adjusted sister,


Jessica said...

They are domesticated rats.

Arby said...

I too am not an animal lover (luckily, my husband is with me on this one), but am always to afraid to admit it to people. Like it makes me less of a person or something. Thank you for giving me a voice! Ha ha!

Also, don't listen to people about getting a cat. I don't know how people can prepare a meal knowing that their cat has been crawling all over their kitchen counter tops when they're not home. Blah!

Alyosha said...

A brussel sprout? I think you overestimate the intelligence of that creature.

The Onofrio's said...

I feel the exact same way about animals. I could add a few things to your list. They stink. They feel free to relieve themselves anywhere in the house and don't have the decency to clean it up. And...they creep me out. Just knowing there's a living thing awake in my house at night or there when I'm not prowling around, gives me the heeby jeebies.

JustMe said...

HATE - HATE - HATE animals myself, which fails to explain why I have two cats that I really do have a love/hate relationship with. I am much too nice to get rid of them, but I can't wait until they wander off and are eaten by the resident fox.

As to germs - bah, humbug. I've gone barefooted my entire life. I'll touch handrails and sometimes even the handle on public bathrooms doors. My daughter is the total opposite - a really germophobic. She gets sick WAY more often than I do.