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2/22/08

It is time to finish the Random 100. So it took me three weeks to do it. I have special needs.


26. We got a new couch. It is from IKEA. We sold our old couch to the government to use as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay. I would post pictures, but that would involve dealing with more technology than I can handle right now. Maybe next time.

25. I am going to steal a phrase from someone and use it. I hope they don't mind. Due to a "random series of events" my blog is suddenly much more "popular" (insert your own euphemism here, if you choose.) Maybe I should make lemonade out of lemons, and by that I mean "Sell my blog to GoogleAds and make money every time one my my new readers visits the site in an attempt to verify something she heard floating about the neighborhood." Just a thought.

24. Thanks to all of the people (family and new readers alike) who still support the blog despite all my social fumblings.

23. Today Dan had- and I'm stealing another phrase here- his Grad School "Suckupathon." 9 interviews all in the psych department at the University of Utah. Apparently, before the U allows you to become their personal slave for six years they must interview you half to death. Small price to pay for the option of making people call you "Dr. Spouseman"

22. I think all the attention is going to Dan's head. When dressing for his interviews, he kept asking me "Does this tie make me look better than everybody else?" "Is this the shirt that says 'I am the best candidate possible?' " I did not tell him that the pants he was wearing are the pants that scream out to his old-lady professors "Pinch my bum!" That is his own problem.

21. How To Loose a Guy in 10 Days is a pretty lameish movie. But I watched it anyways today, and despite the lameness, I am inclined to send it to some of the girls I see around town. Like the one who makes her boyfriend accompany her on shopping trips solely so he can hold her clothes and tell her how pretty she is. (I went to the Gateway after watching the movie)

20. Twenty is the age I was married at. I was still a little irked about getting married so young, and I kept telling myself "At leas I'm not 19. At least I'm not 19" over and over again in my head.

19. Nineteen was how old I was when I went on Study Abroad to England. Then I came home and met Dan. Nineteen was a good year.

18. The first time I met Dan was at an ice blocking activity. He landed on me after our ice blocking train crashed. The first time he landed on top of me was an accident. The second time was not. The third time I landed on him. Thus it began.

17. My college diploma came in the mail the other day. I was very relieved. Even though I knew I had fulfilled all of the requirements, I kept waiting for the U to call and say "JUST KIDDING! YOU MUST TAKE ANOTHER ASIAN GENDER STUDIES CLASS!!!!!" Now that I have the diploma, I feel like I got away with something sneaky.

16. I graduated with a B.A. in History, with a minor in English Literature. I have no marketable skills, but I can tell you all about the impact of World War One on modern art and literature. Call me and we'll do lunch sometime....

15. Because I was a History major, and because I favor literature from the early 20th century, the majority of people I count as close friends are already dead. Me and Virginia Woolf are BFF. I am also good friends with Wilfred Owen, Stanley Spencer, and Henry VIII.

14. Dan is all worn out from being so important. He wants me to watch Transformers with him. He would also like me to "skip some parts." Which means "make out." Apparently "subtle" is not an important concept taught in Grad School.

13. I think he has already fallen asleep, though, poor little important muffin.

12. I call everyone muffin. Students, former co-workers, siblings, animals..... all of them muffins.

11. I used to just refer to unfamiliar things like this "Hey you! Girl! Boy over there! Creature!" Muffin just seems nicer.

10. Obviously, social skills are another thing they don't teach you in college.

9. I am running out of things to say. When at a loss for words....

8. Talk about politics! Everyone rejoice, because I have finally stopped carrying a torch for Hillary Clinton. I've been an ardent Obama fan forever, but I've always stated that "I didn't mind Hillary." I mind Hillary, and I will explain the reasons later when I'm not trying to finish this list.

7. Dan is beyond asleep. He might be dead.

6. The University of Utah ate my baby....(husband)

5. Now who is going to buy me candy?

4. And order food for me at restaurants so that I don't have to talk to any unnecessary people?

3. He wiggled. He's alive.

2. Or Rigor Mortis is already setting in....

1. I did it.

0. Spell check is fixed!

2/21/08

Teaching...

I am giving a little spieley on Tuesday at Olympus High School detailing the process behind becoming a High School Teacher. Here are the basic steps I've come up with so far.

1. Tell yourself that material wealth is totally over-rated. Convince yourself that you never wanted that yacht anyways, because you are not gonna get it with your teacher's salary.

2. If you really want that yacht, consider investing....in lottery tickets.

3. Attend 4 years of school with a grueling workload of memorizing "Education Pedagogies" that you will never, ever, use in real life. Spend extra time in school getting a minor, because odds are the subject you want to teach will be full when your graduate. You'll probably end up teaching your minor....

4. Consider getting a Master's Degree. Ostensibly because you will get paid more. Consider the fact that you will be spending that extra income paying off the Master's Degree. Hmmmm. Conundrums....

5. Become a waitress. The skills you develop for dealing with nasty customers are the same skills you will use when dealing with parents who can't believe you are giving their precious little baby, angel of light and perfection, a "C."

6. Marry rich. Just Kidding.

7. Find a rich relative. Become friends. Kill him. (Kind of kidding.)


That is all I have developed thus far. I'm sure I will be inspiring next Tuesday. And if you see a bunch of student's exiting Olympus High's Art Space looking traumatized, I had nothing to do with it....

2/20/08

Top Ten Trends

This is kind of like the Random 100 only not. The Random 100 made me lazy, and I don't want to write anything outside list form.

Ergo,

Top Ten Trends I Will Never Ever Indulge.

10. Leggings. I just won't do it. Ever. Is everyone on crack, or am I the only one that realizes that no one looks good in an outifit that can be reused, renewed, and recycled into sausage casing. Furthermore, they make your legs, however skinny, LOOK like sausages. EW.

9. Skinny jeans. Like Leggings, only denim and potentially more uncomfy.

8. Layers of polo shirts. I have enough OCD issues with one collared shirt. Two would require me to check into a mental institution. I would not be able to stop tugging and arranging. Until after the friendly nurse slipped me a sedative.

7. Sleeveless or short-sleeved tutrlenecks. First, turtlenecks scare me anyways. But at least they keep you warm, right? Not when you cut of the sleeves. I just don't get it. They frustrate me.

6. The trend of dyeing the bottom layer of hair black, and the top blonde. Skunks ought never to be the inspiration for your hairstyle.

5. Bubble skirts are for clowns and small children.

4. Ponchos are made out of plastic and sold at Disneyland for rainy days. Got it?

3. Though I have done it before, I promise never ever again to have the "Mormon Mon haircut" with the bottom layer flipped out and the top layer curled under. I learn from my mistakes.

2. I will never own an Apple Computer. Dan would file for divorce the next day anyway.

1. Seven (Sevens?) Jeans. I just can't bring myself to spend so much on a pair of jeans when I could use the same money to buy a bajillion ballet flats at Old Navy...
When I am queen, no one else will engage in these trends either.

2/19/08

I don't know what I'll do when I'm done with this...there is only so many jokes I can make based on Mitt's name...

37. I subbed at Olympus High School today, my alma mater. Wierd. Did you know Olympus has an elevator now? Oh the fun I could have had with that back in the day.....

36. Its funny how easy it is, from an outsider's perspective, to identify all the little social cliques. I can tell which kids are jocks, the nerds, the popular girls who will become Mormon Child Brides themselves within the next year.....

35. Popular girls never gave me the time of day back in High School. I wasn't cool enough. Funny thing is, now they feel inclined to leave quasi-anonymous comments on my blog, hoping to influence what I write. You know what honey, you ignored me all through Junior High and High School and I survived. I think my blog will survive your disproval.

34. I got to talk to Mr. Felt, my idol of all idols. Someday I will be Mr. Felt. And I will dress up in a knight's costume to lecture on the Renaissance.

33. Dan and I have determined to buy a new couch. Nothing to snazzy, but one that won't break bones when you attempt to sit on it. (Looking at you, current couch.)

32. The couch we have now is from my Grandfather's first law office. It is an antique

31. But its got nothin' on our kitchen table ad chairs. They were my great grandmothers when she first got married. Back in the 1920s.....

31. She is still alive. We are not allowed to repaint or refinish the table until she dies.

30. I can't wait to be old and boss people around.

29. I already have the wardrobe of an elderly woman. I'm all about grandma sweaters and sesible flats.

28. Too bad I still look 13.

27. Darn that spellcheck.

2/18/08

On Comments.

Let's take a break from our usual broadcast of the Random 100 to discuss blog ettiquette. (still no blogspot spellcheck, sorry.)

I have recently chosen to "moderate" all the comments that are left on my blog. I hesitated to do this, because I welcome comments and thought that by "moderating" (all comments must be reviewed by me before they are posted) I would limit people who feel they have something to say.

But I do not think it is necessary for me to tolerate people calling me, as in the most recent comment kurfuffle "a flaming liberal bitch trying to start contention." It's just not necessary. And because some people can't seem to act like adults, I guess comment moderation IS necessary.

I will no longer publish comments without a name. This means all you anonymous commenters are going to have to reveal your secret identites. If you read my blog and want to make a comment, you should feel comfortable leaving your name. Essentially, if you do not feel comfortable saying it to my face, you shouldn't be leaving it as a comment anyway. If you don't want people to know you read my heathen blog, then don't read it.

Which brings me to my last reminder. No one is forced to read this blog. If you find the content objectionable, so much so that you are tempted to leave nasty comments, you should probably find reading material more compatible to your interests. There are people in the world who make me angry too, I don't waste my time reading their blogs and neither should you.

I am sorry for the seriousness of this post. I will resume discussing the presence of boobage in Jane Austen movies, as well as making fun of Mitt Romney whenever applicable, shortly.

2/17/08

you know what this is

47. Dan and I are losers, since we planned on being out of town this weekend, we forgot it was our ward's Stake Conference today. We got all ready for 1:00 pm church, only to realize we had missed Stake Conference/church altogether.

46. Dan is trying to make up for it by blasting various BYU Devotionals and Music of the Spoken Words throughout the house.

45. Though I am still riddled with guilt (a Nielson never misses an opportunity to feel guilty) I consider this adequate penance.

44. Mansfield Park is my new favorite Jane Austen movie. It's lots darker. Someone goes mad. There is an actual extramarital affair (not just rumours of one) and all sorts of fun social issues (slavery! abolitionists! political strife!) I thought this would make it more bearable for Dan to watch. However....

43. There is still endless amounts of time in which no dialogue is spoken, characters just staring longingingly at eachother. A woman knows what this means. For instance-

Female character: Stares longingly at man.

Steph's Interpretation: She is madly in love with him. And even though they come from different social classes, they deserve to be together.....

Dan's interpretation: Which girl is that? They all look the same....

Male character: Returns adoring gaze of female counterpart....

Steph's interpretation: He only thinks he loves that other woman. I can totally tell by his returned adoring gaze to "Female character" that despite his father's disaproval, he will eventuall end up with the right girl.

Dan's interpretation: It would be easier to understand this movie if the character's actually talked.

42. Dan made me watch IRobot after Mansfield Park. At some point, I will include a mental dialogue for that experience as well.

41. Back to Mansfield Park. There is an actuall boob shot in the film. A woman! Shows her boob! In a movie based on Jane Austen! I saw a boob! I do not know how I feel about this yet (Kudos to the movie for depicting what Austen implied, that women do have complex sexual and emotional identities, and are therefore sometimes naked? Or just- Gross! Boob! Wrong!)

40. Now I have not only missed church, but I'm writing about boobs on my blog. Now I've done it.

39. I may not know a lot about science fiction/fantasy movies, but did anyone really expect me to believe thay by 2035 robots will be able to feel emotions like love, fear, ect. ect.?

38. And isn't the idea of a super robot turned super smart and decides that humans are incapable of self-governing pretty old? 2001 A Space Odyssey, anyone?





2/14/08

Very Interesting Indeed.

Interesting Article in today's tribune about the immigration debate on capitol hill

The article quotes Marlin Jensen, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. Jensen implores Utah's largely Mormon and Republican
Legislature to "slow down, step back, and carefully study and assess the implications and human costs involved" pertaining to the series of immigration bills being considered on Capitol Hill. Furthermore, Jensen states, "I believe a more thoughtful...not to mention humane, approach is warranted....Immigration questions are questions dealing with God's children."

Many of the immigration bills attempt to significantly limit the privleges and place "extensive penalties" for Utah's undocumented immigrants. The Tribune notes that Jensen's comments "expounded publicly on the private pleas of church leaders last month for Legislator's to act with compassion as they consider immigration reform."

Now before anyone gets all riled up, or writes to tell me that Jensen has no business commenting on these things, please take note.

"While repeating the mantra that the LDS church generally takes no position on political issues, Jensen noted that immigration was not strictly a political issue, but a moral and ethical one."

More importantly, he said "He was not simply speaking for himself, or even for the Quorum."

States Jensen, "I was assigned to come here by the First Presidency of the church."

Jensen was not alone in his plea for more compassion for undocumented immigrants. Bishop John Wester of the Catholic Diocese of Salt Lake City pointed out that "Jesus himself was a person on the move-an immigrant if you will."

Steve Klemz of Zion Lutheran Church added, "We are called to love...That is the kind of community we are called to work for."

Recently I have been inundated with fellow church members telling me that I must act a certain way politically (many trying to convince me to support Romney) in order to match my political
beliefs to my religious ones. It is interesting to me that the church would send a messenger to remind us to do just the opposite, to match the
"moral and ethical" teachings of the church first, the ones reminding us to treat others with kindness and compassion, to our political actions. Even if those actions do not necessary coincide with a certain, dominant-in-Utah-political party

2/11/08

And it continues.

72. If Barack Obama doesnt win I am going to die. There is no hyperbole in that sentence.

71. My Dad and Dan are out bonding. My Dad has confessed that he never quite knows what to say or do around Dan. They can't talk about fabric swatches, extol the virtues of the color lavendar, or collect samples of tile for no apparent reason. Thus, my Dad usually just heats Dan up a plate of food and slinks off. But yesterday, Dan mentioned that he wanted an overcoat, and my Dad jumped at the opportunity. He could go SHOPPING! And bond! and shop!

70. I called Dan a few minutes ago to check in. He had found a coat long ago, but was waiting for my Dad to finish trying on (and modeling for the sales clerk,) shirts.

68. My Dad isn't gay. I promise.

67. More meterosexual, if you will.

66. I think Obama can beat McCain. I don't think Clinton can.

65. The teacher I subbed for today had consulation periods from 10:00 to 1:30. I spent part of that time with the classroom door locked asleep on the floor in my big down coat.

64. The floor was carpeted, which makes it less pathetic. For some reason. At least to me.

63. My new phone is red and shiny and I love it.

62. Dan is still not home. Don't clothing stores close at nine?

61. This is getting hard again.

60. Why is blogspot's spellcheck still broken?

2/10/08

and the random 100 continues...

87. I'm sorry I called everyone retarded.

86. But the lady working the desk at Westminster's Office of Graduate Admissions truly is.

85. Did anyone else make the connection that Olive Snook on Pushing Daisies is also "The Republican" on The West Wing? Does anyone else even watch those shows?

84. She was also Wicked's oringinal Glinda. That ought to help.

83. There are blogs I read solely to make fun of the authors and feel superior. (They are not linked on my blog.) This is probably something Satan will mock me for when I'm in hell and not feeling so superior.

82. But honestly? Entire blogs that alternate between "I'm so blessed/I love my husband" with absolutely no content? Can I help it?

81. I officially do not mind the students at Evergreen Jr. and Matheson Jr. I just wanted to say that despite my griping, there are decent children in the world.

80. Not a lot of decent children, but some.

79. I went to the Leadership broadcast thing last night and actually enjoyed it. Most extracurricular (meaning not part of the Sunday 3 hr block) meetings just make me feel guilty. And I actually agreed with Sister Beck. I think she had some sensitivity training inbetween Conference and this meeting.

78. The broadcast consisted 3 women and 3 men giving council. The feminist in me rejoiced. Sometimes I question if there really is a role for women in the church. There is.

76. I did not enjoy my most recent foray into adolescent litersture. I felt Elsewhere left a lot to be desired. It was ok, but not wonderful.

75. The Lovely Bones, however, (similar-ish plot base, superior writing) is worth reading repeatedly.

74. I think this recent batch of the Random 100 is easier because I am supposed to be in the shower getting ready for church.

73. The spell check is broken. Forgive me for any ignorant spelling errors.

2/7/08

Stupid

88. Everyone is retarded.

2/6/08

100 Things? Or not.

Dan and some dude are in the next room studying. So I am in here, being quiet and trying not to be disruptive. This means no phone- because I not only talk really loud on the phone, but my deafness also means my phone volume is on really high. I don't think anyone should have to overhear me and my friends griping about our husbands for a full half hour.

So. I am going to try it. I am going to try and write 100 random things. I have seen this on other blogs, and I am a shameless copycat.

100. I know it is going to be a good day when I can get to my school's 3rd period before cracking open my second can of diet coke. Any earlier and I know I am simply drinking my sorrows away after having a particularly heinous group of students.

99. The letter "D" on my keyboard fell off a while ago, and now the little rubber thing is falling off. If this happens I wont be able to type that letter anymore.I may have to stop using that letter altogether. or, if you see a * where the "d" should be, you know whats happened.

98. This is hard

97. I got a sewing machine, and now I am obsessed with sewing skirts. Actually, finding fabulous fabric is the part I like best so far. But the sewing is nice too.

96. Homemade clothes have such a negative connotation. The skirt I finished today is fabulous.

95. Sometimes when I watch The Office I get a little depressed because I have been in that work situation before, and have now moved on to substitute teaching, which is a whole new room in the hell hotel. I guess I'm saying watching Pam deal with Micheal every week hits a little too close to home and brings back bad memories.

94. So then I watch Grey's Anatomy because it is completely unrealistic and doesn't make me sad.

93. I'm a total pushover. No matter what you do, if you just say "sorry" I will instantaneously forgive you. No matter how many times you do the exact same offensive thing.

92. If you do not say you are sorry though, consider yourself screwed. I'm slow to forgive without the apology. I feel bad about this. But not too bad. Sorry.

91. Frozen m&m's are superior to ones at room temperature.

90. It took me an awfully long time to find the "&" button in order to type m&m.

89. This is really hard. I don't think my attention span is up for this. Maybe I will just do ten every couple days. That would be better.

2/2/08

Some Brief Observations about Churchill Junior High.

1. The overwhelmingly ubiquitious presence of merchandise from Abercrombie and Hollister. I saw little bird and moose logos on nearly every bag, polo, sock, and thong adorning these little thirteen year old bodies. Are churchill students banned from wearing clothing that is not 3 times more expensive than it needs to be?

2. The large number of moms wearing the same Abercrombie and Hollister tee shirts as their daughters. I guess forty dollars isn't such a bad price for a graphic tee if two people are going to wear them.

3. The absurd phenonmeon of girls walking through the January snow in five inch open toe heels and sheer white miniskirts.) Their little skinny prepubescents legs bowed inward as they hobbled. If a prostitute and a giraffe ever mated, they would look like a Churchill student.

4. I surprised myself by getting all indignant after watching the eighth grade dance class rehearse a number set to a wrap song. I nearly lost it when girls who were playing jump rope at recess less than 2 years ago choregraphed a dance that simulated having sex with their dance partners.

5. While trying to take roll, I got all depressed about what a hard-a$*I am starting to sound like. I don't want to be that teacher who all the kids hate. But when it takes me twenty minutes to take roll because I have to physically stop a student from climbing out the window, you better believe I am going to lay into you.

6. Thinking that if one more student tells me they are misbehaving because they have ADD and forgot to take their pills, I am going to have to get a perscription for some very strong medicine of my own.....

7. Three Words- Awful. Mormon. Names. Perfectly good names ruined by ridiculous spelling, or just freakish names that never need to be used again. i.e.

Mickinlee

Mackensie (I hate all the wierd variations of the "Mac" names)

Nikole (ok)

Katelynn (bad)

Kortnee (completely unacceptable)

Juztin

Kayden

Skylaar

Charissa (pronounced like Clarissa)

Jozey (Josie)

and my two favorites-

Majik (pronounced like magic)

and Zenn ( honestly.)