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7/15/09

a reason for the madness.

Based on a few events of the past week, I think I have discovered a cause for my grumpiness.


Ready?

Old Age.

I'm not kidding you. I've developed a very scientific and very detailed argument that I am, secretly, an 88 year old woman trapped in a bangin' 22 year old body.

Evidence:

1. Recent Acquisitions in Summer Apparel:

a) Knee-length shorts from Costco. I picked them up with my jumbo size bottles of Metamucil.

b.) Swim-suit from Lands End.*

2. Strange Medical Ailments:

a) Doctor's appointment to re-position my floating spare rib, which had moved upwards entirely of its own accord, and was causing pain and pressure in my shoulder.

b) Guess what my doctor prescribed for the shoulder pain? Lidoderm. Lidoderm is a pain relieving patch worn on the skin. For those of you who are not the daughters of medical malpractice lawyers, let me tell you the alternate use for Lidoderm patches. When old people in rest-homes aren't dying nearly as quickly as their caretakers may like, sometimes a nurse, or even a family member, will "accidentally" apply several patches at once, resulting in a completely painless and relatively quick death.

That's right. I'm on the same medication that gold-digging grand-children and unethical nurses use to KILL OFF ELDERLY PEOPLE.


Seriously, do I need more evidence? I think not. I rest my case.


Now get off my lawn, you crazy hoodlums, before I whack you with my cane.


















*I am willing to ruin my own argument and swear to you that this swim-suit is actually cute. No skirts, no weird neon green "tummy control panel," just a cute polka dot print and the ability to make my boobs look awesome.

8 comments:

Natalie said...

It really is a bitch getting old. Welcome to the club.

The Boob Nazi said...

I need an awesome boobs swimsuit. NOW.

gurrbonzo said...

Sure, but does the swimsuit have butt ruffles?!

Mrs. Clark said...

Ya mean, you didn't go to Tar-Jay for a new swimsuit? That Lands' End one will last you for five years, at least. Unless your mom snags it from you. (Hee!)

And why don't they just take out the floating rib so it doesn't give you any more trouble? When you get older, and your waist gets shorter, you'll be glad you don't have it. I kid you not!

Smedley's said...

I believe you about the Lands End swim suit. I got one from there this year too!!

Sharon said...

Your swimsuit disclaimer would carry a lot more weight if you provided a linky to the suit itself. Evidence, MCB, we need evidence.

Michemily said...

Hi. My sister told me once that her sister-in-law said she didn't feel like she'd caught up with the age she'd been her whole life until she was in her 30s. That seems right. I've always been better friends with older people. And this year, I've had so many health issues, it seems ridiculous to claim that I'm still in my 20s.

James McOmber said...

I've been told more than a handful of times that I am, in so many words, a crusty old bastard.

The fact that I wear Sperry boat shoes, prefer functionality to fashion, and carry a handkerchief all denote it. I also have what often feels like a rheumatic back.

You do have me beat with the bangin' bod, though. I'm afraid I can't claim that.