Based on a few events of the past week, I think I have discovered a cause for my grumpiness.
I'm not kidding you. I've developed a very scientific and very detailed argument that I am, secretly, an 88 year old woman trapped in a bangin' 22 year old body.
1. Recent Acquisitions in Summer Apparel:
a) Knee-length shorts from Costco. I picked them up with my jumbo size bottles of Metamucil.
b.) Swim-suit from Lands End.*
2. Strange Medical Ailments:
a) Doctor's appointment to re-position my floating spare rib, which had moved upwards entirely of its own accord, and was causing pain and pressure in my shoulder.
b) Guess what my doctor prescribed for the shoulder pain? Lidoderm. Lidoderm is a pain relieving patch worn on the skin. For those of you who are not the daughters of medical malpractice lawyers, let me tell you the alternate use for Lidoderm patches. When old people in rest-homes aren't dying nearly as quickly as their caretakers may like, sometimes a nurse, or even a family member, will "accidentally" apply several patches at once, resulting in a completely painless and relatively quick death.
That's right. I'm on the same medication that gold-digging grand-children and unethical nurses use to KILL OFF ELDERLY PEOPLE.
Seriously, do I need more evidence? I think not. I rest my case.
Now get off my lawn, you crazy hoodlums, before I whack you with my cane.
*I am willing to ruin my own argument and swear to you that this swim-suit is actually cute. No skirts, no weird neon green "tummy control panel," just a cute polka dot print and the ability to make my boobs look awesome.