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7/18/10

i said a boom chicka boom (in which i discuss girls camp, and get on an anti-twilight binge.)

I survived Girls Camp. Not only did I survive, but I actually enjoyed myself most of the time, which is sort of miraculous. I sort of suspected that the Girls Camp likeability range would hover in the 30% like 70% tolerate range, but it was actually the opposite. In fact, the time we cooked brownies over the fire, and ate them out of the pan while still quasi gooey was more 99% like 1% concern over germs.


But that was not the only camp miracle! I got some sun at camp (Not enough to burn, but enough for random older woman to cluck concernedly and over to rub Aloe Vera on my nose,) and it seems this sun may actually result in a TAN.

I hope you have your food storage ready, because clearly the end is near.

It really is odd though, to look in the mirror and see a tan healthy looking person instead of an albino sickly one. Furthermore, I can sort of understand now how people get addicted to tanning. I look pretty! And athletic! Let us tan some more!

Fortunately/Unfortunately, I am a major proponent of slippery slope arguments, so despite the fact that I look less like a Cullen, I don't intend to let this tanning business happen again. Would you like to hear my slippery slope argument?

If I tan frequently, I will get addicted, and then get skin caner, and then die, and then Dan will remarry some Mormon princess who will want to watch Living Scripture movies, and we will all be stuck together in heaven*, making me the eternal third wheel who wants to sneak into the Terrestrial Kingdom for diet coke and PG 13 movies, while my sister wife bakes the demons in hell casseroles and cookies.
.
Plus, when I'm tan, I don't sparkle in the sunlight. Oh wait, that WAS the Cullens









*There is no doctrinal basis in my post-life fears. That is an example of what I call "Crazy Mormon Thoughts." All Mormons have CMT, but some people try and pass them off Actual Church Doctrine, and try and teach them in Young Women's lessons, and that's when Stephanie gets something called "Rage." In more extreme cases, people insert vampires into their CMT, resulting in poorly written adolescent literature that sets feminism back 1,2033033030 years. But don't worry girls, he's only mean and controlling because he loves you. Anyway.

12 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

But I liked you pasty and sparkly!

Crystal said...

You win! Seriously, slippery slop FTW!

Ru said...

Sometimes I think I have inherited an unfair share of Crazy Mormon Thoughts. I blame roughly 80% of them on my freshman year seminary teacher and the other 20% on reading Orson Scott Card's religious work at an impressionable age. (Unlike Jack Weyland, Orson Scott Card is a good enough writer that I didn't realize until years later that there was some messed up shit going on there.)

We should really start a support group and it should involve lots of PG-13 movies and Diet Coke.

Jessica said...

I don't know why this reminded me of you, but today in Relief society we were talking about honoring the priesthood and the question was asked what can we do to better honor the priesthood in our home and at church? There was lots of good comments made and then one sister raised her hand and started going off on how there should be padded chairs through out the whole church building and that when she was in Provo Ut (gasp) the RS met down stairs in a nice air conditioned room and the EQ met in a sweltering attic. The sister finished her padded chair rant and the teacher just looked dumbfounded. She didn't know what to say and then said, I don't quite understand how that applies, but we obviously don't want our brethen meeting in an oven or an ice box. Then the Sister went off again about how having padded chairs in Relief Society is completely unfair to everyone else at church. Anyway... random thought of you, and thought it was funny.

lindsey said...

You. are. hilarious.

Ashley said...

Hilarious post. I love your blog. If only I had the courage to write such rants about CMT, Twilight, and Republicans on my blog, but I fear too many family members would swoon and stage an intervention. And please don't remind me of "I said a boom chicka boom"...auughh!

Stephanie said...

jessica- it reminded you of me, because if i had been there, i'd have blogged it.

i have no shame.

CaLLie.ANN said...

This is definitely my most favorite mormon rant/blog ever. I laughed out loud about everything involved and am super glad you hated twilight as much as me.

Why does no one else realize that Edward is a controlling woman hater? Seriously.

Mrs. Clark said...

Hahaha! Love this post! And I'm glad you had fun. My daughters always loved girls' camp, and the times I went on an overnight or two I had fun, too.

Mhana said...

on the bright side, you might BE one of the demons in hell getting cookies. I figure if I go to hell at least I'll be warm, whereas I spend most of my life feeling cold.
two recommendations for twilight:
1) Rifftrax. The only way to experience the franchise.
2) I happen to be abroad working alone right now which makes weekends boring, so I went and watched Twilight to enjoy the air conditioning. I speak French, so I understood it, but it heavily disguised how incredibly trite the dialogue is, and the dubbing voices didn't stammer and pause like ol' Kristen and sparklepants. So try setting your DVD on a language you understand, but not THAT well. It helps.

stewbert said...

Edward is a domineering control freak, and Bella is a whiny baby. Jacob deserved better, though their relationship was healthier than Bella and Edward's. Which isn't saying a whole lot.

Hate Twilight.

Rachael said...

Omigosh. I really really need to stop reading your blog and go to bed but I can't help it! I keep saying "the next one will be the last." It's worse than watching Castle. :) In a good way.

By the way, I'm a firm proponent of the belief that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, especially in our eternal life. And I'll tell you what right now, being a sister wife is in no way written into my personal definition of happiness. Therefore, no worries.