Like a lot of people, I was upset at Elder Packer's conference talk. But, like a lot of people, I was comforted when the talk was changed to reflect the church's previously stated stance on homosexuality. (link HERE).
It did not comfort me because I am satisfied with the LDS Church's position on homosexuality. I could lie and say that I was, but again, I would be lying.
I was comforted because changing a General Conference talk shows that the LDS church is willing to change, and to correct error. Right now, it is a few words in a very complex talk, given by the person next in line to lead the church. A complex talk because I agree with him on the nature of the atonement. I believe God is always there and willing to forgive. I do not, however, believe that people choose to be Gay. After all, I did not choose to be straight.
I also believe in prophets. I believe in prophets who listen to God's voice, but have to listen just like the rest of us. Who may struggle to hear that voice amidst louder voices. The louder voices of personal bias, cultural upbringing, and fear. Sometimes those voices drown out other voices, even if that voice is God. Even if you are the prophet.
This makes being Mormon extremely difficult for me. It would be easier if I could simply believe that everything said in General Conference was direct revelation from God.
It would be easier for me if I could believe they were all lunatics.
But I don't.
What I do believe is that the church can change. We can recognize errors, fix them, and progress. It is an agonizingly slow process. Change in the church is like the child who slowly peels off a band aid. There are times I want to rip off the huge band aid of being Mormon, because watching it peel back hurts so much.
But for whatever reason. I'm still here. Forcing myself to listen and pray every time I hear something that does not sound right. Every time I question, and yes, every time I doubt.
If I have learned anything from Elder Packer's talk, I have learned that I am the only one responsible for my testimony. I cannot rely on one man to determine my relationship with God. I can only listen and hope to hear God's voice. Sometimes he speaks through someone else, sometimes he speaks through the scriptures, and sometimes he speaks to me. Because he loves me.
So no, I am not satisfied with the LDS Church on many of their positions. But this is the church where I learned to pray, where I learned to listen, and where I learned I am a Child of God.
For now, that is enough.