Tutorial: How to Insult (and yes, I just accidentally typed "Inslut",) a Mormon.
For a group of people that believes we belong to the only true church, (that takes confidence,) insulting Mormons is surprisingly easy.
Here's a How-To list based on my own experiences. (AKA things people have said to me.)
1. You need to be less prideful/gain some humility.* Someone once brilliantly proposed I engage in a humility fest.**
2. Non-Mormons who read your blog won't join the church, because you are revealing all our Crazy Mormon thoughts. You are a terrible member missionary.
Sheesh. Hope those same Non-Mormons also don't shop at Costco, where you can buy a whole bunch of books on how we used to practice polygamy and kill Indians. All for the low, low price of $8.95.
(Internet, the jig is up.)
3. Once you discover your divine role as a female in church, you won't be so discontent. (Fancy way of saying "Get pregnant.")
4. If you don't agree with me on ______________(insert political opinion here,) you obviously don't sustain the prophet.
5. If you feel that way, then this isn't the church for you.
6. You used to be such a nice Mormon girl. (Optional: replace "nice" for "classy.")
7. I promise you that if you pray about it, you will have a spiritual confirmation that my opinion on this matter is right.
8. You are misusing personal revelation to justify sin.
9. Some people will just be happier in the Telestial Kingdom.
10. You must be such a burden to your righteous parents.
Did I miss anything?
*A Mormon telling another Mormon to be less prideful is the religious equivalent of a scantily-clad sorority girl calling another scantily clad sorority girl a skank.
** Um. No. That would interrupt the flag football Righteous Fest I'm playing in. You didn't know this, but I'm on an Intramural Team called "LDS Liberals who judge LDS Conservatives for not supporting Welfare Programs that Benefit Children." We are playing the "LDS Conservatives who believe LDS Liberals don't believe in being Self-Sufficient" team.
Obviously, I'm very busy.