If this were a real internet tutorial, I'd have pictures for every step

Tutorial: How to Insult (and yes, I just accidentally typed "Inslut",) a Mormon.

For a group of people that believes we belong to the only true church, (that takes confidence,) insulting Mormons is surprisingly easy.

Here's a How-To list based on my own experiences. (AKA things people have said to me.)

1. You need to be less prideful/gain some humility.* Someone once brilliantly proposed I engage in a humility fest.**

2. Non-Mormons who read your blog won't join the church, because you are revealing all our Crazy Mormon thoughts. You are a terrible member missionary.

Sheesh. Hope those same Non-Mormons also don't shop at Costco, where you can buy a whole bunch of books on how we used to practice polygamy and kill Indians. All for the low, low price of $8.95.

(Internet, the jig is up.)

3. Once you discover your divine role as a female in church, you won't be so discontent. (Fancy way of saying "Get pregnant.")

4. If you don't agree with me on ______________(insert political opinion here,) you obviously don't sustain the prophet.

5. If you feel that way, then this isn't the church for you.

6. You used to be such a nice Mormon girl. (Optional: replace "nice" for "classy.")

7. I promise you that if you pray about it, you will have a spiritual confirmation that my opinion on this matter is right.

8. You are misusing personal revelation to justify sin.

9. Some people will just be happier in the Telestial Kingdom.

10. You must be such a burden to your righteous parents.

Did I miss anything?

*A Mormon telling another Mormon to be less prideful is the religious equivalent of a scantily-clad sorority girl calling another scantily clad sorority girl a skank.

** Um. No. That would interrupt the flag football Righteous Fest I'm playing in. You didn't know this, but I'm on an Intramural Team called "LDS Liberals who judge LDS Conservatives for not supporting Welfare Programs that Benefit Children." We are playing the "LDS Conservatives who believe LDS Liberals don't believe in being Self-Sufficient" team.

Obviously, I'm very busy.


Tristin said...

I always say this, but God bless you, Mormon Child Bride!

lifeofdi said...

I have seen so many of these in action. On a pro-gay marriage fb post from a Mormon friend he had several people tell him his personal revelation is wrong, he is defying the general authorities and is now on the path to apostasy, does not really feel the Holy Ghost, etc. Looove people.

April said...

Another excellent post. I have a friend here in NY who is expecting his relatives from Utah for Thanksgiving and is worried he is going to offend them. He has cleared out all of the books that they would consider "anti-mormon" and took the beer out of the pantry that his wife uses to make an excellent beef stew. Did I mention he is on the high council?

Thanks for the post. As always, spot on.

artemisandollie said...

ha! these are great.

Genavee said...

Personally, I'm a big fan of receiving a double play, ie. "Just pray about it!" followed by a "Your misusing personal revelation!"

Miranda said...

You forgot the oh so fun "I'm allowed to say something hurtful but can't help if YOU choose to be offended because of this talk so it's really your fault.":

Jessica said...

I didn't know you played football.

Nicole said...

You hit the nail on the head.

FYI, it doesn't end if/when you get pregnant. Now I get the "so are you guys taking a break or are you really done with just 3?" bit.

Because anything less than 4 is borderline apostate, you know?

Rachel said...

I love this list! I'd say #9 is most certainly my favorite. In fact, it is going to make me laugh all through church today, so thank you!

Also, can I join your team? I'm all for it.

Stephanie said...


God bless us, every one!

@Rachel. Of course you can join the team. Our jerseys say WIC on the back.

Mrs. Clark said...

Love this post! Makes me so glad I do not live in Zion, the Chosen Place!

Xan said...

Thank you for saying what we all feel. :)

Except #3 means (in my situation) "get married"

amanda said...

Love this post!

@ Mrs. Clark

I'm so glad I know that self-righteousness exists everywhere, and not just in Zion!

I sure do love living in the Chosen Place.

Emily said...

Man, had I been thiking I would have said Hi at the Bijou Market and then immediately said, "Why the crap aren't you pregnant yet?!" Would've given you a great chance to practice that line I gave you.

It was fun to see you! Sorry I was so frazzled. (Post a picture of the bag you made!)

Patricia said...

Would you be mad if I just translate this into spanish and post on my blog? I've totally been to so much of this ALL THE TIME.
Promise, I'll give you all credit

Bekah said...

Wow. SO glad I don't live in Utah. I'm a GA transplant to southwestern ID, and I'm pretty sure a lot of that goes on here, too. Luckily, I'm too anti-social for any of it to come to me. Most people think I'm spiritually inactive, so they're afraid of offending me.

Rachael said...

MMM. You're forgetting the guys who drop the "I had a revelation that we should date/marry" or some variation thereof.

Kristen Cawley said...

Am I the only one who thinks I might be happier in the Telestial Kingdom? I reckon the Celestial kingdom will have a lot of meetings and reverence and service. I also reckon the Telestial will have TiVo, Pepsi, and People magazine.