Like college only I have a slower metabolism

When I started Grad School, my professors were always talking about providing "timely and meaningful feedback" for students. So they would probably frown on the fact that I have papers here dated from November 30th. (Wait, Wait, Professor McStandardyson, I've been out of school since December 17th, is 2.5 weeks still considered timely?)

Anyway, I promised myself I would get them all graded over the break, and I had very good intentions. But first I had very important things to do, like debate the merits of picking up Ghost Whisperer* into my T.V. routine, or if I instead should focus on more important things, like Mike and Molly.**

Fortunately, my guilt/anxiety complex kicked in shortly after Christmas, and I got all organized and ready to start a massive grading marathon. Unfortunately, every time I tried to log onto Skyward, (my school's online grading system,) I was foiled. The system was down! The system was down!

Now, could I have gone old school and grade everything by hand and enter it in later, but that seems like a waste of time. Like doing the job twice. Well, maybe 1.5 times. I don't have that kind of time. Not with two weeks off for Christmas break, and Jennifer Love Hewitt's*** surgically altered pouty lips solving mysteries.

Last night, however, I decided to try logging on around midnight, just for fun. Miracle! Apparently Skyward is up from about Midnight to 5 a.m.

Are you getting what I'm putting down? That's right. I've been pulling all nighters. Just like college. For those of you who want to play along, or are so old and senile to remember what college is like, here is a recipe for an all nighter:

1.Caffeine. Tons of Caffeine. Hide the evidence later.

2. Mac N Cheese. In college, when your metabolism was that of a jack rabbit, you could eat a whole box in one sitting. If you do that now, you'll feel really bad about yourself. Best to spread the box over the course 5 hours. If you get snacky in between sessions chocolate is always a good idea.

3. When eating 3,000 calories worth of chocolate makes you incapable of grading one more paper on Modern Rhetoric, bundle up and take a walk. Ignore any inner naysayers that tell you that walking around in a snow storm in the dark at 3:00 am is weird. Also, try walking in the middle of usually busy streets. It will make you feel powerful. Powerful enough to stay up until Skyward crashes at dawn.

4. Gilmore Girls on DVD, perfect grading background noise, and when you feel weary, remind yourself how Rory Gilmore would never quit grading before the job was done. Then again, Rory didn't go to a State School and become a public servant. Damn you, Gilmore. Damn you and your perfect hair and high standardized test scores.

5. Log on to your Gmail account frequently to see if anyone is around to chat. Bemoan the fact that college really is over, and all your friends are now adults and not randomly online at all hours of the night. This also impedes on finding a companion for greasy food runs, which is probably for the best.

6. Ignore your Spouse when he accuses you of having a Peter Pan Complex. Remind him that it is his fault you have any interest Ghost Whisperer in the first place.

Did I miss anything?


**I will name my firstborn child after the person who can guess what piqued my interest in Mike and Molly. I'm sort of serious. I'm terrible at picking out names. Contest excluded to people named after Book of Mormon characters, or have weird spellings of normal names.

***I refuse to confirm the spelling on her last name.


in n out

I've never actually eaten at In N Out. I don't say that in some "I'm too cool for trendy crap" (because I love a whole bunch of trendy crap,) I'm just stating a fact. I've had Five Guys though, and that was good.


Speaking of trendy crap, I've compiled a list of trendy things I'm over, and trendy things that can stay. Because I am an expert. It's also kind of like X96 and their "Things that Must Go." I still listen to Radio from Hell in the morning, even though I don't like emo rock.


1. Can we be done shoving our pants into boots? Mostly because I am too OCD to ever do it, and it makes me feel like a fashion failure, and I shame spiral.

2. Silhouettes. Mark my words, someday, we will look back in horror and realize that Sillhouette's are the orange shag carpets of the 2000's. It was cute the first 4,000 times. Seriously, I look forward to the day where we treat Sillhouettes and weird Etsy wreaths like shag carpet and vertical blinds.

3. Blogs where the writer has developed such a large Cult of Personality that it is no longer about the information, or the conversation, but about the writer saying something, and their sheeple nodding in enthusiastic agreement/defense.

4. Married Child Brides calling fictional characters/movie stars their boyfriends. In fact, Married anyones calling anyone their boyfriend. You are married. You have a husband, or, if you prefer, a Spouse. I will even allow you to borrow the Spousetotheman moniker if you stop referring to your husband of five years as your boyfriend. Or Zac Efron.

5. Douchebag hats. I'm not going to explain to what they look like. Just know that girls wear them with big big sunglasses and put flowers on them. And I hate them.


1. Birds. I don't care. I still like them. I'm not going to cover them in glitter and put them all over my house and in my hair, but I will happily wear the bird-motif pajama pants my Mom made me for Christmas.

2. Sewing, Crafting. Because everything I make is darling, and makes me feel included in LDS culture in a way no other things can.

3. (Some) Design-ish blogs. Interesting ones, not some bored stay-at-home-wife with a Pottery Barn Catalog.

4. Blogging, obviously. And although I am not on the Twitter myself, it amuses the heck out of me, so it can stay too.

What say ye, gentle readers. Would you like to play a game of In N Out in the comments? You should. I love audience participation. It can stay.


My father, upon sneaking into the Grand America lobby after seeing the lights at Temple Square:

"I like it here much better. Less children. More rich people."

Merry Chritsmas, From Childbride and her Faux-Scrooge Dad.


ich verstehe nicht

(I do not understand.)*

1. I'm watching What Not to Wear and the lady they are making over is being a biyotch. I'm not exaggerating. I do not understand. If you don't want to give up your lingerie-as-outerwear wardrobe, do not take the $ 5,000.

2. I went to Joanns today (Can you tell I'm out of school for Christmas break? Crafting and Reality TV? Yes, please,) and witnessed what I can only describe as a white trash verbal beatdown. Can I say something elitist and rude? Of course I can, you can choose to unsubscribe if you don't like it:

There is nothing more depressing than two morbidly overweight sweat-pants clad Terrys (My name for people who have no features to help distinguish their gender,) fighting over who got in line in front of who at a craft warehouse store that is only one small step above Walmart.

Terry 1 "I got here first!"

Terry 2 "You did not!"

Terry 1 "If you think that, you live in an alternate reality!"

Terry 2 "It's always people like you who think they are the exception to the rules!"**

Terry 1 then started asking for audience participation from fellow line standers. Terry 1 turns to me and asks "Who got here first?!?"

He/She was very distressed when I said "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

You know why? Because I wasn't. I'm an anti-social borderline Aspergers person who was too busy being horrified by humanity to notice who actually got where first. I'm also too smart to get involved in the drama by indicating a winner. The last thing I want is Terry 1 telling me I live in an alternate universe.

Back to the point: I do not understand the need for conflict. We all have to wait in line. Terry 1 will wait 5 minutes longer. Either way, in 20 minutes, none of this will matter. Likewise, I do not understand people who claim drama ends in high school. No it doesn't. People just get fatter and more ghetto.

3. By now, biyotchy What Not to Wear girl has calmed down. I do not understand why it took her 30 minutes to do that, but whatever. She has good shoes now.

If there is something you do not understand, you can say so in the comments.

Or you could help me come up with more gender neutral names to label people who are so fat you cannot tell what gender they are. I can think of nothing that would elicit Christmas spirit more.

* I took German in 9th Grade.

** Um, Terry 2, people like who? You are both in need of a shower, are both wearing sweatshirts with wolves/kittens on them, and are wearing Crocs outside of the garden. What, in your opinion, distinguishes you from Terry 1?


things i like

Even though I'm not supposed to. (See my list of things I don't like HERE)

1. Carbs

2. Gay Marriage

3. Private/Charter schools. (Some public educators think they encourage people not to value and invest in public education. Sometimes that is true. But sometimes it means one less kid in my class. Sometimes they have a better education experience in a school with different resources. And sometimes it means that kid comes back after a month at a "Charter School" where all they do is eat pizza and watch you tube. Lesson learned. Either way, I'm all about options.)

4. President Obama. I know lots of you don't like him anymore, but I'm still faithful.

5. Vampire Diaries, notably Damien.

6. My married name. Am I a bad feminist for taking, and liking, my husband's last name?

7. Childless evenings at home doing whatever I want.

8. Processed foods.

9. Caffeine

10. Politically incorrect phrases of derision, usually involving a swear.

What do you like? (Even though you are not supposed to.)