ich verstehe nicht

(I do not understand.)*

1. I'm watching What Not to Wear and the lady they are making over is being a biyotch. I'm not exaggerating. I do not understand. If you don't want to give up your lingerie-as-outerwear wardrobe, do not take the $ 5,000.

2. I went to Joanns today (Can you tell I'm out of school for Christmas break? Crafting and Reality TV? Yes, please,) and witnessed what I can only describe as a white trash verbal beatdown. Can I say something elitist and rude? Of course I can, you can choose to unsubscribe if you don't like it:

There is nothing more depressing than two morbidly overweight sweat-pants clad Terrys (My name for people who have no features to help distinguish their gender,) fighting over who got in line in front of who at a craft warehouse store that is only one small step above Walmart.

Terry 1 "I got here first!"

Terry 2 "You did not!"

Terry 1 "If you think that, you live in an alternate reality!"

Terry 2 "It's always people like you who think they are the exception to the rules!"**

Terry 1 then started asking for audience participation from fellow line standers. Terry 1 turns to me and asks "Who got here first?!?"

He/She was very distressed when I said "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

You know why? Because I wasn't. I'm an anti-social borderline Aspergers person who was too busy being horrified by humanity to notice who actually got where first. I'm also too smart to get involved in the drama by indicating a winner. The last thing I want is Terry 1 telling me I live in an alternate universe.

Back to the point: I do not understand the need for conflict. We all have to wait in line. Terry 1 will wait 5 minutes longer. Either way, in 20 minutes, none of this will matter. Likewise, I do not understand people who claim drama ends in high school. No it doesn't. People just get fatter and more ghetto.

3. By now, biyotchy What Not to Wear girl has calmed down. I do not understand why it took her 30 minutes to do that, but whatever. She has good shoes now.

If there is something you do not understand, you can say so in the comments.

Or you could help me come up with more gender neutral names to label people who are so fat you cannot tell what gender they are. I can think of nothing that would elicit Christmas spirit more.

* I took German in 9th Grade.

** Um, Terry 2, people like who? You are both in need of a shower, are both wearing sweatshirts with wolves/kittens on them, and are wearing Crocs outside of the garden. What, in your opinion, distinguishes you from Terry 1?


Kalli Ko said...

We call them he/shes

but you know, there's Jamie, Pat, Kelly, Stacey, Leslie, and if you live in the South then maybe Whitney or Morgan.

Colt said...

I think we should just impressed there was Terry who was so familiar with Hugh Everett's theory of Parallel Worlds that solved Niels Bohrs' theory of everything. Well done "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader".

Aunt Spicy said...

I asked for crocs for a joke.

SammyStewart said...

"Terry" is the best I've heard. My suggestion would be "Sam"...but that's my name. So maybe not.

At least they weren't ripping into their toddlers. Want to see my day ruined and my blood pressure spiked? Talk white trash to your infants and toddlers and threaten to "pop" them. RRRRRGH. Oh yes, then swear at them for talking disrespectfully to you.

Hillary said...

I call them shims, but if you want a real name, I think Pat works best. Maybe because it sounds the most masculine, and despite the fact that the shims are wearing some sort of top depicting fuzzy kitties/puppies/horsies on a doily background, their gait and tone are decidedly mannish.

Nookleerman said...

What Not to Wear is the devil. There, I said it. Hate me if you want, but it is. No upside to that show. And that lady is evil incarnate.

Stephanie said...

@Nooklerman, don't worry, my husband feels the same way, and i don't hate him.

gurrbonzo said...

When I go to the craft store (like today, I was in Joanns), I swear a lot just to even out the fact that I am in a craft store.

Katz said...

i almost snorted at "Likewise, I do not understand people who claim drama ends in high school. No it doesn't. People just get fatter and more ghetto."

true story.

JustMe said...

My secret sin is "WNTW" - seriously, how can people dress so badly.

I'm a large, fluffy woman myself, but I think I dress with style. DO NOT call me Terry/Kelly/Stacey/Pat or even Whitney/Morgan because I live in the south. I don't wear sweatpants - don't even own a pair. I can blame my baby blue crocs on my daughter who should have known better. On my own, I bought sexy little boots.

Sorry MCB - some of us are FAT. I'm also pretty,smart,witty,kind,understanding,giving,caring,clean,an amazing wife,a good mother,a wonderful mother-in-law,a loyal and devoted friend,a great cook,a better baker,I can sew and I can smock and cross-stitch. I climbed the freaking mountain in Zion and I plan to walk by ass off in DC this week. Given a choice I would be tall and lean and look like a super-model. My family is from Butts County, and I have the butt to prove it. I got the genes I was meant to have. Being fat does make me better/worse than a person who is a size 6.

I'm JustMe and I'm fat and I read your blog

Nicole said...


I don't think Stephanie's issue is with the "Terrys" (my last name, BTW - let's call them Pats instead) being fat. I think it was more that they were acting like trashy, ghetto people...who also happened to be overweight.

There are plenty of fluffy southerners that don't wear sweats and don't act like idiots in public. You are clearly one of those people.

On the flipside, there are plenty of skinny Yankees who are total bimbo airheads and equally annoying, they just don't tend to be fighting in line at JoAnns.

Which is where MCB was when she saw the incident. Their fatness was not the main idea, just a supporting detail;)

amanda said...

When we can't quite discern gender, mom always says, "It's a Pat situation."

SUEB0B said...

I used to rent rooms in my house to college students. I lived in a college town with scant housing, so I would get literally hundreds of calls. One day I was busy when one of the potential renters showed up, so I sent my friend Keith to answer the door. He returned and said "Um...a here to see the room."

I thought that was odd phrasing, but he was right - a short, very fat person with short hair, a high-pitched voice and significant breasts was waiting on the doorstep. Thankfully his name was something like Brian, because if it was Pat or Terry or Chris, I would have been at a complete loss.

Bekah said...

Bahahahahaha! My siblings and I call them Pats because of "It's Pat!" skits from SNL in the 90s. But I like the idea of calling them Ashleys, too. I've never known a male Ashley, but Ashley Wilkes was a guy. Somehow that just seems funny to me.
Also, I cannot imagine getting all outraged over someone cutting in front of me at Joanns. I might bristle a bit at the inconvenience, but I could not be forced to breach my own social walls to confront such a person. If anything, I would be happy they were moving away from me at a faster rate.

Mrs. Clark said...

Pat. After the SNL character.

And JustMe, Stephanie was railing against the people who just seem to have given up on their outward presentation. I hate the puppies/kittens/horsies/Disney character sweats just as much as the next person. Probably more. They should not be worn by anyone older than six. At least not in public.

Jess said...

I don't have a name. BUT I saw a bearded woman (Terry) at Chuckarama! (that counts, right?) Terry had a beard. But also had a kitty on her shirt. But also had manish shoulders. But also had long hair. But also had A BEARD.

Terry was inspected by the whole family, and then Jane yelled, "it is a girl with a beard, what's the big deal?"

We left very quickly after that.

Kristen Cawley said...

BWAH-HA-HA! Wolves or kittens.
Oh, and I concur. Pat. SNL.