1. Our kittens are freaking adorable, but I still maintain that becoming a pet blogger would be an unpardonable sin against humanity. Fact: I once unsubscribed from a blog because the couple got a pet and spent a month referring to it as "their baby" and having the pet guest post and talk to "mom and dad." I know. Harsh.
2. No matter what, Dan and I will always be approximately 5-10 minutes late for church. Regardless of what time it meets. Right now we have the coveted 11-2 time, and we still run late. I have some amount of guilt about this. Like if 10 is how guilty I feel when engaging in stupid e-feuds, and 1 is how I feel about my diet coke habit, I'm probably about a 3 on the Church thing. And now I'm shame spiraling for not feeling guiltier about the church thing (late for church should be at least a 4) AND the diet coke thing. Would you still read my blog if it was called Catholic Child Bride?
3. Can we talk about something that gives me irrational amounts of rage? Truly irrational. (In the sense that the punishment does not fit the crime, I still maintain that a lot of things that bug me really are that offensive. Anyway.) Dude hipsters that wear too tight clothing make me want to stab people with mechanical pencils. There are several things that annoy me about the dude hipster phenomenon:
Dude hipsters tend to be thin, (like listening to the shins, eating is sooo mainstream,) but also sort of unfit (can't get sweat on my vintage prada loafers,) so they have that little pooch belly. Pooch bellies are not a crime, but when you wear those tight little boy pants that are too short, and your old man suspenders and your snug plaid button down.....I just really wish you would fall into a pit. And, yes, I know this is unfair,because for a group of men who probably always have wedgies, most of them seem pretty nice. I still wish to inflict pain.
4. Did I tell you I'm a Laurel Advisor in my ward? I am. And we are going to camp in a few weeks, and we might not have running water. Someone may or may not be getting very ill just before camp. I'm a lot of things, and I don't necessarily need to shower (Heaven knows I rarely showered in Europe, and I had running water,) but I do need to be able to flush.
*In retrospect, Mormons do sort of have confessional. Like you can go talk to your bishop, if you want. But to my understanding, Bishop confessions are more for sexually active teenagers and not for wanting to stab male hipsters, but I could be wrong.
How many Hail Marys do I need to say now?
I once had someone who was considering my Masters Program tell me they "didn't believe in going into unnecessary debt in order to be a teacher."
That rankled (doubting that's a word...) my feathers to0, but it took me awhile to figure out why.
Answer: Because people who feel the need to validate their life choices by putting down other people are feather ranklingly annoying.
If you don't want to get a Masters degree, fine. But it doesn't mean my degree was unnecessary. If you don't want to blog, fine, but that doesn't mean it is a waste of time.
I've found though, that the most frequent offenders of this crime are women, and the most frequent victim: children. Or lack of children. Or childcare.
It seems like nobody can have a kid, want a kid, have a job and a kid, without being subject to the "I'd do that, but...." clause.
For instance, how many times have we heard this gem?
"I'd like to have a career, but I don't want to sacrifice my baby for my own ambitions."
Because working mothers are just selfish and need to feed their egos.
"I'd love to be a SAHM, but I'd think I'd go nuts! I need more in my life than just being a mom!"
Because SAHMs are just mindless drones that don't need external validation.
It's just as bad for those of us without kids.
"I thought about waiting to have kids, but I realized that having kids was the most important thing I could do, so why put it off?"
Childless people just don't have the right priorities, you know?
And people who have kids right away are just dumb.
"I was going to have a kid, but people who have them right away usually don't know what they are doing..."
We've heard it all before. Heck, maybe we've even committed the "I'd do that, but I'm so much smarter than you" crime. I admit, owning your own life choices can be hard to do.
It's still annoying.
Either get a degree, or don't. Blog. Or don't. Work at home, stay at home, go to work, have a kid. Or don't.
Remember in kindergarten when we learned that "You don't have to put someone down to bring yourself up" phrase?
Still true. I should know. I was going to be a kindergarten teacher, but........
Here is a bag I made for my Aunt Lissa who is HAVING HER 8TH CHILD THIS MONTH. Eighth. EIGHTH.
And her oldest is 15.
Anyway, her superhuman reproductive skills aside, here is her bag. She requested a bag with tons of pockets, and I obliged, AND I even put in a magnetic snap. I feel very official.
As usual, I think it is the cutest and most killer bag I ever made, ever. Until I make the next bag. And then I give the previously cutest bag in the world away. It's a good thing we are talking about bags here, and not children.
Also, the lining is awesome.
I feel like I've been a crap blogger lately. Where are my pointless stories? Where is my gentle mockery of Ye Old Republican Party? Where are my endless photos of myself doing the exact same thing? Oh wait. Well, I guess you are not missing out there, internets.
Anyway, Here's some stuff I've been up to, none of which is particularly exciting, but if you haven't learned to keep your expectations low by now, gentle reader, then I fear there is nothing I can do for you.
1. Memorial Day. I know. Barbeques, right? El Wrongo. On Memorial Day my Grandpa takes all his children and grandchildren to the Little America Breakfast Buffet. An opportunity to consume 3,000 calories in one sitting? This holiday just became more awesome than Christmas. (Binge eating is a sacred experience in my family,) In case you were wondering, yes, I did wake up at 6:30 on Memorial Day to listen to Jillian Michaels yell at me while I struggled through my lunges. Just to ensure maximum binge capacity. I'd say I represent everything wrong with America: exercising before binging, but I'm still not a Republican. Plus I recycle.
2. The Hour I First Believed. Everyone and their book club suggested this book to me, so I finally picked it up, and frankly, I'm offended. Everyone thinks I like crap rambling depressing writing? Really Guys? If you've read this book, and really liked it, will you email me and tell me why? You might want to include your paper in the form of an attachment. Remember, size 12 font, double spaced, due whenever you are bored. But seriously. I hate Wally Lamb and I hate all of his annoying characters, and, after I decided to quit the book, I looked up reviews to make sure I wasn't alone. I feel like THIS review adequately sums up feelings. Especially the part about not being able to have your satire and eat it too.
I actually read the first half of this book yesterday (all 450 pages,) and by the end, I was so angry and depressed that I yelled at one of my cats.
You heard me. Cats. As in multiple. Somehow, I allowed not one, but two six week old kittens into my home. You can read more about how I feel about animals HERE (spoiler: UNFAVORABLY) and yet somehow here we are. I don't really want to talk about it. Also, I am going to include a photo of them, but rest assured that it will probably be the first and last photo of them. Why? Because I hate to break it to you, but pet entries are boring. And I always skim through them when people (even my friends,) post them.
But my blog is my journal, right? Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Anyway. Here is Ivan (brownish cat) and Sweet Pea (yellowish cat.)
Still, graduation ceremonies are boring, so I composed my own graduation speech in my head. For those of you who don't have a bunch of teenagers in your life, welcome to Mormon Child Bride's Alternate Commencement Speech!
Congratulations! You graduated High School! You are now qualified to waitress, clean teeth, aide for a real teacher,and pick up poop in hospitals!
Not for you? Then this graduation isn't an ending for you, but a beginning. After all, you can do anything you set your mind to, right?
Wrong. You can't. There will always be someone smarter than you, prettier than you, wealthier than you, and luckier than you. They will probably get your dream job. So what I would suggest to you, my recent graduates, is to take the following words of advice, which I am qualified to give you as a 23 year old recent college graduate with alarming bouts of unemployment.
1. Everyone will tell you to find what you love to do, and figure out a way to make money doing it. This is decent advice, and this is why I'm an underpaid public school teacher. Be aware though, even what you love will be boring/hard/frustrating some days. Don't give up.
2. You can do anything you set your mind to... for one year. You can work any job, live in any dive, and get through any year of school. You really can. Don't give up.
3. Seriously, don't give up. Unless you hate it. After a year, if the job/major/relationship/apartment makes you want to slit your wrists, quit. There is no honor or glory in being miserable. Quitting is for people well-adjusted enough to know when to abandon the course and try again. I know too many of my peers languishing in internships and jobs they despise. If you have to quit your job and move home and regroup, do it. Remember, sometimes quitting is for winners. Life is short. Be happy. (I told you, it wouldn't be a true graduation speech unless it was riddled with cliches.)
4. It also wouldn't be a graduation speech if I didn't use a quote. Here is your quote: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill.
Some of you may be the lucky ones. You really may be the smartest, prettiest, most wonderful teen in the whole world. Maybe you really will be a multi-millionaire in a few years. Wonderful. But you still can't give up. Remember, success is not final. You must constantly find ways to improve, because stagnancy, even for multi-millionaires, is failure. But don't worry, failure isn't fatal.
For those of you less lucky, find the courage to continue. The one cliche that really is true? The world is scary. It's a different world than the one your parents entered as High School graduates. But it's your job to fix it.
Best wishes! Have a wonderful summer!