well. look at that.

Interwebs! Did you know I am famous? More specifically, did you know that according to City Weekly, I have the "Best (Sane) Mormon Blog" of 2011?

Here is a link.

But more importantly, here is the super nice stuff they said about me, direct from the source. Always trying to minimize the clicks.

"No, this isn’t a blog about polygamy, and there are no cookie recipes or photos of place settings or children, either. Rather, the author, Stephanie—a devout Mormon who’s a liberal, a feminist and a teacher—blogs about her faith, her frustration with closed-minded members of her church, being an educator and, occasionally, the TV/books that she likes/hates. It’s an always-revealing and often funny glimpse inside the mind of someone who speaks up for gay marriage, feminism and faith in God, eliciting praise and verbal stonings from all sides. As the sidebar on her blog says, “I’m either a complete apostate Mormon, or I’m just saying what we are all thinking.” Let’s hope it’s the latter, and that others start speaking up."

Of course, this has increased my already inflated ego to planetary proportions.

So I called my Dad, who told me he was proud of me. "Now every homeless guy who looks at the ads for cheap lingerie can read your blog."

I'll have you know, father, that my little blurb is next to an ad for a weight-loss supplement, and a DUI lawyer.

Then I called my Mom, who said I immediately needed to blog about something interesting, because my last few blogs suck. She recommends my post about the Cessation of Suffering. I recommend searching for anything I've written about Jack Weyland. Just Saying.

When my brother read the part about being a "liberal, feminist, and a teacher," he looked at me, and with nary a trace of irony on his face, proclaimed, " they basically think you're a failure." Thanks, Grant.

Anyway, thanks City Weekly, for making me sound a lot cooler than I am, and being nicer than my family.

ps: Thanks to my reader friend di for telling me about my great accomplishment (Sane! Mormon! Revealing!). I had no idea.



Well, Blogger hates me and won't let me publish my post.

Well, it will but only in one huge block of text. For awhile, I thought I put arbitrary spaces in my blog posts because it made it look cool, or it was all artistic and meaningful, like an e.e.cummings poem.

Looking at my huge text block of a former post, all riddled with swears and lacking coherency, I realize I use spaces because I am lazy, and don't want to take the time to write anything more advanced, like transitions.

Learn something new every day. So you did not miss much.

Readers Digest version:

1. 3rd quarter is over! Beginning of the end!

2. Red Riding Hood = schadenfreude.

3. Mormons who make broad generalizations about their own doctrinal interpretations are annoying.


four years is 48 months longer than Brad and Emily's relationship will last.

Greetings internet!

Today is my anniversary, so let us all stop and wonder at the miracle of my 4 year old marriage. Woooo.

Spousetotheultimateproviderman and I celebrated last weekend by going out of town. And by out of town, I mean traveling from one suburb of Salt Lake City to another so that we could spend the weekend in a bed and breakfast eating chocolate cake for breakfast. Chocolate cake is breakfast food at bed and breakfasts, so long as it is also served with fruit. The things you learn.

Today, the actual anniversary, has proven not so exciting. Things that put a damper on celebrating:

1. 7:00 am faculty meetings where we don't end early enough for me to actually eat the provided breakfast.

2. The student who told me today that my hair looked frizzy, "like a black man!*" and followed up with "but it is okay, you are married, you don't have to look pretty anymore."

Is it misogynist week on the nature channel or something? Between freaky "I want to wave the Proclamation in your face" lady, and "women are just shiny pretty objects for men to collect" student, I feel like we need to consider resurrecting Alice Paul. (Tangent: let us all take a break to imagine an enraged Alice Paul sitting up in her grave, screaming, and then hauling ass out of her grave to right all the gender-oriented injustices of the world. Kapow! Equality! Bam! No more sexual harassment! I'm sorry. My feminist fantasies often get mixed up with my sci-fi fantasies. Please disregard.)

3. Anyway, I am also really upset at myself for not responding to the student in an appropriate way. I should have sternly rebuked him, explained why his behavior was inappropriate, and alerted him to the consequences should his behavior continue.

Instead I sort of ignored it/make a weird joke and moved on to the next group of students. Sigh. Feminism fail. Please let me keep my ID card. I promise to do better.

4. The massive amounts of tests I need to grade by next week. I should probably stop blogging. Julius Caesar awaits. (Yes, I love that I am grading Julius Caesar finals on the Ides of March. English nerds unite!)

I am as constant as the North Star,

Stephanie Mormon Child Bride.

*Racist AND Sexist. What a gem. I'm waiting for the homophobic remark so I can label him a true triple-threat.


i don't think it means what you think it means

My favorite Sunday activity is meeting with friends and family to hear what nuttiness went down in church. Holy? Hmmmm. Fun? Yes. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that God watches what goes on in church, and sometimes does the same thing. Like with Gabriel. Hey, Gabriel, did you HEAR what they are doing in the 11th ward?

Just saying. No offense. Bless her heart. Whatever other cliches I can say and not get in trouble for that hypothetical.

Anyway. The winner today was the lady who told her class that she "Sees all these young women down at BYU training to be professionals, and she just wants to wave the Proclamation to the Family in their faces and say: Get with the program!"

Sigh. Sometimes I miss being in an all-white ward of extreme privilege. Your world is so very, very pretty in black and white.

Anyway, we nodded in sympathy and outrage and reassured ourselves that comments like that wouldn't happen in our ward. We promised ourselves that we would stand up for ourselves if it did. (Most of us in the conversation were- wait for it....young female professionals.)

One person sagely pointed out that opinions like this occur elsewhere. In fancy- pants wards. And Saudi Arabia.

But it still stung. I'm still upset about it. It still makes me question how on earth the Gospel of Jesus Christ got so horribly sidetracked. Why don't we talk about Jesus at church?

What makes me really uncomfortable is the fact that it makes me wonder which one of us would be considered the nut. Is she the crazy one, for insisting that you can't be a "primary caregiver" and a "professional" at the same time? Or is it me? For hoping, thinking, and almost believing that I can?



Today is my Dad's birthday. He does not read my blog, unless I am there to "get on the internet thing" and show him "how the hell to go down the page." Occassionally, he has his secretary email me with a request to print out my blog posts for him to read. "The good ones, not the crap."

So Dad, if you ever read this, Happy Birthday. Thank you for teaching me to mistrust Republicans, hate hotel art, keep an extra pair of fleece pants in the back of my car, (in case I need to go on a walk!) love God, and serve others.

After all that, teaching me to swear like a sailor with tourettes is just a bonus.

I'm your girl,




I taught this piece of really important literature by Erasmus:

Julius Excluded from Heaven: A Dialogue, “You’re All Belches and You Stink of Boozing and Hangovers.”

Whatever you say about teaching, don't you dare say it isn't fulfilling. I bet whatever you did in your cubicle today was not nearly as awesome.

The end.


I'm also a meanie.

Sometimes I think about dressing up in my very cutest hipster-chic wear, having my Spouse take pictures of me, and posting them on the internet. (I will, of course, assure people that I don't do this because I am vain, but because I CARE ABOUT FASHION. AND SELF-ESTEEM. AND ACCOUNTABILITY-because dressing cute means you are accountable. For something.)

Clearly, I don't get fashion-blogging. Can someone explain?

Edit: Is this like reality TV? Fun to watch but not necessarily life-affirming? Or is there some deep life-secret behind having 17 photos of your skinny jeans posted online everyday? So much to ponder.....


all about me

Because why pretend that this blog serves any other purpose? Sure, I could claim that I write because I really want to develop my talents, or inspire people, but whatever. Really? I like to talk about myself.

1. A major Child Bride life philosophy: I can do anything for a year. You would be surprised how many major life events to which I apply this mantra. Including but not limited to- graduate school, substitute teaching, waitressing, serving in various church callings, marriage (hey, I thought it, don't judge,) real-teaching, and living in my grandparent's basement while they served a mission.

Usually, I do it for a year, and I come to Conclusion A or Conclusion B.

Conclusion A: I can do this for a year, but if I do it for one day longer, I will incredible Hulk myself out of the situation. Hulk Smash! Applies to graduate school, waitressing subbing, and living in my grandparent's basement. (I did live there more than a year, and I did incredible Hulk on several occasions.)

Conclusion B: Hey, I actually like this, and shall continue to do this. Marriage,(phew!) real-teaching.

Things still undetermined: Owning pets, current church callings.

Today, however, I proved my theory wrong. My school received a grant to give all the Juniors the ACT for free. We had to provide all the proctors and supervisors. While supervising, you are not allowed to read, grade, or do anything besides stare at stressed-out teens for 3 hours.

I do not know how people do that for a living. If you are a full-time ACT proctor, I salute you. You either do not have ADD, or possess a near-lethal prescription for Ritalin.

In fact, I grew so bored that my highlight of the day was watching a student I really dislike getting kicked out of the test, and having his form voided, for texting.

2. That is another thing about me: I glory in karmic justice. After a year of constantly telling that student to stop texting in my class, it was nice to see him receive a tangible consequence. (All I could do was take his phone for the day.) Especially since he clearly thought he was the exception to the rules. The instructions state no less than 5 times that the use of any electronic device is prohibited, moron.

3. I can do anything for a year, but that doesn't mean I don't harbor a whole lot of righteous indignation the whole 12 months.

Does my theory work for you? Am I quitter? Or just awesome? What level of Dante's Inferno would be reserved for being unusually pleased when douchebags are punished?

Speaking of which, say a prayer that Parent Teacher Conferences goes well tomorrow.