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5/31/11

unfortunately, not endangered.

Interntet, are you watching The Bachelorette? You should. Don't worry, you can listen to NPR after if you need to. (Listening to NPR after watching The Bachelorette is like taking the morning after pill after having unprotected sex. Doesn't make having unprotected sex a good idea, but at least you won't get pregnant/permanently annihilate brains cells you may need later.)

Was that too raunchy of an analogy? I don't know anymore. I spend so much time being perfectly neutral and teen-appropriate all day, my filters are wonky. Judging space, should you require it:______________________________________________________________
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Anyway, for those of you not watching The Bachelorette, let me introduce you to an excellent contestant.







Meet contestant Bentley Williams. Bentley is a 28 year old divorced Mormon, BYU alum ( he has a degree in...wait for it... Family and Consumer Sciences. Just kidding, in Finance.) He has a daughter named Cozy, and an ex-wife who sells headbands on Etsy. Hobbies include general misogyny, being jealous of guys who get more attention than him, hair products, and plaid.

People seem unusually confused by Bentley's behavior on the show,since it is extraordinarily douchey, even by reality TV standards. But it really is not that hard to explain. Bentley is a textbook example of a rare specimen of Mormon maleness known as the Mormonus Douche Maximus, or Mormon Douche.



How can you tell if you or a loved one is dating a Mormon Douche? Here are a few tell-tale signs of the species:





1. Mormon Douches give good face. In public, especially around their significant other, they are often charming, overly-polite, and gregarious. It is only behind your back that the Mormon Douche will rank your physical appearance, try to date your younger sister while simultaneously flirting with you, and text his ex-girlfriend. This can make a MD incredibly difficult to spot, so be on the lookout for other signs.



2. On the surface, MDs appear to be devoted to their religion. They will have served a mission, and will brag about being Zone Leader or AP. (They will not mention that they worked in the President's office solely so that their Mission President can babysit them for two years after catching them making out with the Bishop's daughter.)



While seemingly devout on the surface, they have strange little exceptions made to suit their needs.



For instance, an MD will openly criticize people who watch Modern Family, since it clearly supports a malevolent Gay Agenda. However, they have no problem watching Californication, or anything featuring hot girls, boobs, and bikini's.



3. Likewise, they will assure you that their porn problem is "taken care of," but still be unusually interested in shows produced by HBO. Mysteriously, you will find much from the "Adult Chanel" on their Netflix queue.





4. Naturally, a true MD will major in Finance, Dentistry, Law, or Medicine. He will have average grades, but excess charm, and will temporarily be wildly successful. However, a few failed tests will result in a sudden interest in alarm systems.





5. The MD will promptly quote Church talks or Proclamations that support a woman staying at home with her children, mostly because he doesn't want to have to compete with them in his Macro Economics class, Law School, or Medical School.





6. While MDs can and are often found outside of Provo, the isolated and often inbred species, Mormonus Provoian Douche Maximus will only be interested in dating UVU students, hairstylists, or Nail Technicians. This is not met to degrade any of the previously mentioned females, but simply a reflection of the more insidious characteristics of an MD: they don't like to compete with others, especially their wives. They will actively seek a mate who is perceived to be less intelligent. Bonus points if they actually fulfill the dream.



Allow me to clarify: a true Mormon Douche is highly competitive with other males, but would combust if forced to compete at home. Prolonged interaction with female missionaries, engineering students, and professors (all known by Mormon Douches as "bitches,") would cause his head to explode. Survival instinct and an intense urge to propagate the species makes the successful female a natural enemy to the Mormon Douche.





7. Similar to the trait examined in #5, Mormon Douches are drawn to older Church Doctrine that most find wildly outdated/offensive. He uses quotes and snippets from such talks (Think Packer, McConkie, and Benson,) to support embarrassing beliefs involving racism, homophobia, and general misogyny.





8. Mormon Douches generally fear, and simultaneously admire the Gay Population. They fear them because they sense common ground on certain stereotypical standards: hair, clothing, and gym equipment, the same things they often surreptitiously admire. This causes them to question their masculinity, leading to outbursts involving the words "fag," "queer," an"that's sooooooo gay." They will assure you they do not "mean it."





9. At one point, all Mormon Douches wore pukka shell jewelry.





10. At one point, all Mormon Douches popped their collars, often popped multiple collars, and perhaps tried on their girlfriend's jeans. Just to see.





While sightings of the Mormonus Douche Maximus are frequent, any first hand experience or expertise in contributing to the analysis of this fascinating species is welcome in the comments. Good luck, Ashley H., you were doomed the day you signed up for Dental School.


275 comments:

1 – 200 of 275   Newer›   Newest»
Lauren said...

*applauds* Nicely said.

Jenna said...

You forgot blindingly white teeth and tanning beds.

I majored in broadcast journalism at BYU. I am all too familiar with this breed. If you think the Finance guys are bad, try again!

Hillary said...

Oh this is so awesome. I did encounter a few MD's, who despite their blatant mediocrity, were pretty sure they were THE sh*t/future prophet (yes I realize how weird that looks).

I had one tell me, during my first week of law school, that I really shouldn't be there because I should want to be a mom and my presence there was preventing some righteous man out there from supporting his family b/c I had taken his rightful spot in school. Um, ok? So I should pretend to be less than I am so someone can coast along on his mediocrity and think he's great? No thanks.

Reuben said...

Wait... what? There's an adult channel on netflix??? Why didn't I know about this?

Jessica said...

This ALMOST makes me want to watch the bachlorette, but unfortunately I"m trying to cut down on new hobbies and time wasting activities so I better hold off. (insert: I am a huge time waster amen)

Stephanie said...

@Reuben: "Adult Chanelesque" I should say. Cheesey things, like "She Came From the Deep" or "Really Hot Policewoman."


ANYTHING BUT THAT GAY AGENDA SCUM.

geoffsn said...

My wife was the sister missionary that was a threat to Bentley on his mission. At first he tried flirting with her by calling her at 10:45 or 11 "just to chat." He was an AP at the time. After being shot down by my feminist, intelligent, strong-willed wife, I could imagine item #6 kicking in.

Brooke said...

You just described at least three of the AP's I had to serve "under" during my mission. I kind of want to forward this to them to maybe help them self-identify and then rehabilitate but then I'd just triple my label as a "bitch" since I'm in law school and a sister RM. Sigh.

Hilary said...

This was pretty much GENIUS!

Stephanie said...

@geoffsn: The real Bentley, or the "Bentley" of your wife's mission? Either way. Good.For.Her.

@Brooke: TRIPLE THREAT.

The McBrides said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this. My brother worked at Goldman Sachs for 2 years with this guy and LOATHES him, I have never heard my brother talk negatively about anyone until I brought up Bentley. Don't even get him started. Evidently my sister in law loved that name and wanted to use it for their baby boy but my brother vetoed it without even thinking twice because of his negative association with this dude. I think my brother would agree with everything you have listed here, evidently very accurate on all accounts!

geoffsn said...

It was the real Bentley. That's the only reason we're even watching the Bachelorette. When my wife heard his story (married a pretty girl making headbands, had a kid, got divorced, going on the bachelorette) she said that it sounded about right, and not unexpected.

She said in his defense that he could have possibly chosen the better path, he had potential, but the douchey path is so much easier. She also questions how much of what we see on the show is him as opposed to being scripted. Even if it is scripted, what does it say about a person willing to read such a script and portray themselves that way to the world?

Stephanie said...

@ McBrides (Whitney) REALLY???? I am fascinated that people know him in real life. And, I LOVE being right.


@Geoffsn: Again, utterly fascinated. Most MDs do seem to have such potential... I'm thrilled he was rejected at least once in his life. Also, it just goes to show that the mission field needs more strong female feminists.

Emily said...

HAHAHAHA That's all I got. Can't.Stop.Laughing.

heidikins said...

Hahahaha!! So hilariously perfect!

xox

S.A.R. said...

Hal and I just laughed out loud the whole way through that. Especially the puka shell comment. Oh the MDs I've been on dates with who sported the wild and untamed puka shell.

I have to admit, as a person who get irritated at flagrantly negative PR for my religion, Bentley is not my favorite dude these days.

Brien said...

Awesome! I have a cousin (more than one, actually) who is an MD. Married the prettiest girl he could find simply because she was the prettiest and then talked her into a boob job. Just today he posted on Facebook that she had earned "an honorary Man Card" for doing such man jobs as mowing the lawn and shoveling dirt.

CaLLie.ANN said...

Steph, you really nailed this on the head. You couldn't be more positively accurate. And, I love that you didn't forget to mention the pucca shells.

....and I'm loving that blogland knows Bentley in real life. Hooooray for blogland.

Azúcar said...

This is a.) brilliant and b.) made it completely clear that I cannot watch The Bachelorette because I would commit suicide.

(Then again, just one more woman whose not a threat anymore...)

UK Yankee said...

I'm forwarding this link on to my sister at BYU-I. It would be hilarious if it wasn't SO TRUE! Can we start an MD campaign, maybe get a ribbon, start raising awareness? We must prevent another generation of women marrying this kind of creep!

Señora H-B said...

Oh. My. Gosh. You hit it on the head. You described one of the zone leaders from my mission in eerie detail. Fake, nasty, scummy to the core.

MissRissa said...

This. is. awesome. As one who went to a certain Provo area high school that was a notorious breeding ground for MD's and then later to BYU which also has it's fair share of overly geled, collar popping, indoor tanning MD's I'd have to say this is 100% accurate!

The Boob Nazi said...

I loved this.

JustMe said...

It is posts like this that keep me reading your blog. This one was funny, witty, and just a wee bit cutting edge. Don't watch the show but even I could look at him and thing "yea, he's a player".

Keep up the good work MCB

Ms. Quantz said...

I am shocked, I mean utterly SHOCKED, that this guy isn't still "happily" married!

I don't watch the bachelorette, but I do watch E and have heard about Bentley. I hope his ex-wife has gotten lots of therapy.

Ru said...

Oh my gosh, let's please raise awareness. I really want to run a 5K for this cause. Together we can eradicate MD!

Natalie said...

Right on, my friend.

I'm totally screwed in ever finding a suitable mate for myself because pretty sure all I meet are MD.

Sad face.

Colt said...

I use the term "Jimmers" for the Mormon Douchebag.

There is always a strong affinity for mall punk music, Abercrombie, and driving either a jacked-up pick up truck or car that he can't afford. Not to mention a love of the film Avatar.

Traci said...

You know when you read something that is so Dead On that you're laughing because you love it - and also kind of ticked because you weren't smart enough to write it first?

This post just gave me that moment. Thanks.

NIKOL said...

My favorite part was the pukka shell jewelry. SO. TRUE.

Jamie said...
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Jamie said...
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Cynthia said...

Pure swesome! I plan to keep watching only to see his story line played out.

Emily said...

And this post now becomes my favorite post from you ever. well done.

Melissa said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Nice work.

GetOutNowMotel said...

This describes my cousin's ex-husband to a TEE. Spot-on accuracy. Bravo!

lindsey said...

This is the best blog post I've read in a while. Hilarious!!!!!!

I SO knew these MDs while living in Provo after college. I was an education major at BYU so I didn't run into many of them (education isn't glamourous enough for MDs) during school, but when I was living and working in Utah Valley they abounded.

You.are.brilliant.

Karissa said...

=)

Mrs. Walker said...

Right on the money!!

AE Jones said...

This is a brilliantly hilarious post. I'm laughing so hard. SO TRUE to everything you wrote.

Aunt Spicy said...

well done my friend, well done.

(am watching the vegas episode right now)

Lisa Louise said...

don't forget that when they break up with said successful female they will almost always use the "I prayed, fasted and went to the temple to get an answer about us and God told me to break up with you". this cop out line is classic MD, they don't have enough guts to break up with a girl for any valid reasons. Loved some of your examples steep, you totally nailed it.

Reuben said...

I don't know his ex-wife, but generally, you have to be kind of a Mormon Douchette to marry a Mormon Douche.

I'm just sayin'...

Douche doesn't spring out of nowhere.

Julie said...

Hmmmm... I think I may have dated one or two of these.


Hey, Steph! "Your eyes are lying to me."


'nough said.

Amy said...

You nailed the definition of a Mormon Douche! Esp. the popped collar and being nice IN PUBLIC thing.

Nemesis said...

Just . . . priceless. PRICELESS.

Emily said...

I award you like 70,000 internets for this. All three of my roommates are currently dating MDs!

Carley A. T. said...

I have a feeling you have MD students. I have one or two myself.

anthony said...

Is being a Douche exclusively a Male and a Mormon trait? Or is this just the imperfections of human beings living in a material false world were reality is plastic.

I'm sure these people (douche's) male or female can be found in all walks of life. In fact everyone who has left a comment, if you take a good look in the mirror you will see the biggest douche ever, now you might not agree with that, because I think this article left out number 11. The ability to lie to ones self and justify it until the truth becomes a stranger.

If we say we have no fault we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

Stephanie said...

@Anthony: You left a comment. Are you one of the biggest douches ever?

Reuben said...

anthony is a DB!!!

emily snyder said...

hi . . . #1 i laughed at your post. But my main comment is wondering how you posted the link to Kumen and Holly's adoption site . .. They are my dear friends and I would love do post them on my blog as well. thanks!

Danielle said...

Hilarious and so true!!

Naomi said...

And unfortunately, MDs produce children that also become MDs. And the cycle continues.

Ru said...

Oh my gosh, I think an MD found this blog!

Anthony m'dear, as long as we're adding points to MCB's post, I'll throw one in:

The MD will often put words in other people's mouths and utilize straw-man arguments like "No one is perfect" or "What about you? We shouldn't talk about me until we talk about you!" when presented evidence of bad behavior.

Also, they tend to make inscrutable statements that make no logical sense, but end with something vaguely churchy to tie it all together. But I can't think of a pithy way to say that one ... Eh, your comment serves as a decent example.

Dawn said...

bahahaha love this.
i live in rexburg.. where the mormon douches are abundant!

Dawn said...

p.s. if commenting on this makes me a douche..i'll take it.

kamcicle said...

perfecto! but can i add a #11? the MD will inevitably brag about his current temple recommend and then try to dry hump you while watching 'office space.' because that's his favorite movie, the edited version of course.

sorry for the visual but it's true.

Hawk said...

Try rooming with one... (obviously not by choice)... the MD will literally make you take your shoes of before you get into their BMW which was only been semi-paid for by said security alarm sales job.

Christina said...

Perfect. I LOVE that everyone is laughing at him, instead of being "shocked" by his behavior, which is clearly the agenda.

Heidi said...

HA. I count my blessings every day that I'm just not attractive to these guys. EVERY. DAY.

Shum Girl said...

Love the post. Love the comment from Anthony. I hope he is real.

Shum Girl said...

Anthony are you real?

Matthew said...

I've been saying this for years, but people just thought i was jealous. Md's are the bane of my existence, however you forgot the GWODMD (girls who only date mormon douches), but i think i'll be writing about them. Anyway, Thanks again. I now have someone who annoys me more than glenn beck.

hellien said...

Unfortunately this species exists in a variety of religions!

Michemily said...

Both times I dated guys who went to BYU ended badly because they were dating other people at the same time. Boo.

MJ said...

Go Stephanie!!!

Really? REALLY? Anyone who is offended by this post, I just gotta say one thing:

Truth Hurts.

Oh, and you cannot forget the ones who marry the "Pretty Dumb" girls, and then get pissed when their wives CANNOT take care of the most menial tasks.

Kyle said...

Even worse are the seemingly intelligent attractive women who fall instantly in love with these MDs and think they they are going to be the ones who can save/help them put their douchebaggery behind them and mold them into functional contributing members of society instead of the emotional, psychological, and social suckholes that they will ALWAYS be. I call these girls douche hags.

Stephanie said...

@MJ. I KNOW! I know an MD who constantly berates his wife for not being smart enough to tutor his precious offspring in algebra

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. You married a girl who dropped out of college after one semester. What did you think would happen?

@Kyle. That is one of the great tragedies in life. Love the douche bag hags.

Liz D. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

@ Liz, no facebook yet...don't worry though, dating an MD is a Mormon Rite of Passage. Like baptism, only....not awesome.

Annie said...

Amen to the summer sales. I was an alarm technician for two summers and had to put up with some of the worst MDs you will ever meet. And they only get worse when concentrated in a small area and are competing over money.

kamcicle said...

to all the fellas who know our pain, i can say this. i was never asked out by the nice guys. i went out with the MD's until i learned my lesson and then...stopped dating mormons. :/

Kari said...

Bahaha! I love it! Don't fool yourselves though...these MDs have made their way north to Rexburg, ID where I had the bad luck of dating most of them. We also fondly referred to them as "Chester The Molesters"...'cause their hands seem to go everywhere they could on the first date!! Or tried to until I shut them down. Shutting them down turned into my "mission" in life.

Aurora said...

Hahahaha so good! I ended up doing an entire blog about dating at BYU and you summed the entire experience up in one post.

Sadly they are not as uncommon as one would hope. I think they're choking out the gene pool in Happy Valley.

thecapitall said...

Bahahahaha *wipes tears of mirth*
The truth... it hurts...

Hambone Jacobs said...

Oh my gosh! You are so brilliant and correct! That made me laugh and nod at the same time.

dunnthat said...

My DIL pointed me to this post and I am SO GLAD! This truly is GENIUS. I laughed and then spit just a little bit I was laughing so hard. I hope you don't mind - I linked it to my facebook status.

Now everyone, I happen to KNOW said "ex." She is gorgeous and should have been smart enough to know better, but Bentley is typical of the boys she dated - they were all gorgeous. I told her, "Sweetie, you need to marry the short average looking guy who adores you and is so grateful he will treat you like a queen your entire life." Seriously, who wants to compete with her husband for the mirror? A wife should always feel like she's the best looking human in the house. Am I right?

So I have this to say to you all...she is not the female equivalent to MD. For those who watch, can you not see that this guy, as douchey as he is, has GAME? He's a manipulator and a narcissist. He played Ashley like a professional. Would it have worked on me? Nope. Most of you? NOPE. But some women spend their dating lives trying to find that extraordinarily handsome man (btw - I don't find Bentley all that hot - just sayin') who is SO MUCH MORE than his looks, and they want to believe this so badly about these guys, that they will believe the words they're being told. Not that there aren't gorgeous men out there who really ARE the whole package...but odds are pointing toward this fact: the world is full of douches.

I love his ex-wife, and I'm sure she would agree with me if I were to say that she was foolish to marry him. She fixed the problem. I think she's learned a valuable lesson about what's important in life.

And, finally, I LOVE THIS POST!! Did I say that already? Laugh. Out. Loud. Funny. THANK YOU ever so much!!!

b said...

Sincerely, The-bitter-chick-that-thought-he-was-going-to-propose-after-one-date

Seriously, someone actually admits that they're just not that into the 'Bachelorette' or 'Bachelor' and that the whole premise of the show is ridiculous and the farthest thing from 'reality' - and therefore he's a Gay-bashing, racist misogynist who can't control his porn problem and uses church references to manipulate people?

Bitter much?

And the MD acronym - a degrading female reference? Classy.

Yep you sound like loads of fun and certainly a cut above good ol' Bentley.

Jack said...

The funniest part about this is while reading it I had one guy in mind who I perceive as one of the biggest deuches I have ever known, and he LITERALLY fulfilled each number on the list. Craziness.

Kristin said...

And to think all these years I had called them Provo All-Stars....

Stephanie said...

@b It's okay, dude, if calling me a bitter classless chick makes you feel better about wearing multiple polo shirts, I'll take that one for the team.


#11 MDs always think girls who are assertive and opinionated must be bitter rejects. After all, if a MD dumps me, WHERE DOES MY SELF- WORTH GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Ms. Quantz said...

Do you think "b" is Bentley? Cause that would be awesome. Sorry to comment again...

Amy said...

This man said "Tickle my pickle" on national tv AND rated Ashley based on her body parts... it doesn't matter what religion he is... he's considered a douche in all walks of life.

Christi said...

@b
It's fine for a guy to think that they're just not that into the 'Bachelorette' or 'Bachelor' and that the whole premise of the show is ridiculous and the farthest thing from 'reality'". It's when that same person actually goes ON the bachelorette, says how he's going to make the girl whose 'not that hot' fall in love with him and make her cry that he becomes a DMD.
This post made me laugh so hard. Keep up the good work!

Caitlin said...

@b Read the comments! She has a friend who knows the real Bentley, and he is a 100% organic DM.

Magical! Fantastic.

julie said...

Hahaha, thanks for the fair warning! I am not part of your mormon church but now I know to steer clear of it! I thought Bentley was bad but it's interesting to know that your church is full of guys like these???

Spencer S. said...

Being a male in the LDS culture, I have to admit that there is some attraction to being like the MD population. They tend to be the looker/popular guys who, on the surface, everyone wants to be like. They get the pretty and popular girls. Fortunately, I don't think I was one or am to this day...at least I hope I don't come off as one.

I kind of blame our culture for cultivating such behavior. We give these men the attention they want. Ladies, don't give into them, even if your hormones say otherwise. Go for us dorkier, less exciting, yet more grounded men.

I would never trade in my wife for a egocentric, make-up loving, cheerleader-type-woman. My wife is beautiful without having to plaster her face before seeing me each morning. She is far more intelligent than I am...and more successful with a bachelors degree than I am with a masters. So...kudos to all of you women who put value in education. Do I care if a woman is smarter or more successful than me? Nope. Good for you.

Amanda the Couch said...

I'm still laughing at how ridiculous @b's comment was. He must really hate that you made fun of his puka shell necklace.

this post is so awesome.

Anna M said...

oh my. let's be friends. best friends.

Melinda said...

You just made my day!

Ryan and Kaeli said...

Oh my gosh! This post is awesome!! Haha. Love it!

Ashley McKinnon said...

My gym in crawling with them! One time I took the "free personal training" offer and got the MD president himself. He asked me how I had become so overweight (I had just had a baby and only gained 24 lbs that pregnancy. PLEASE!). I told him that I had a baby 5 weeks ago. He said "that's no excuse." I asked him if he was married. He said no. I said, "well douche bag, I can't imagine why." He told me that's none of my business and got all defensive. I said "you think your sh*t don't stink but it does. Really bad. It stinks like steroids and protein shakes." I complained to the gym and he was fired. I guess he had a lot of complaints against him and mine was the last straw. Hasta la vista douchey! He probably works at APX Alarms now....

My hubby is a Mormon and is not a douche. They do exist. promise.

Chris Almond said...

The sad thing about this, since these MDs tend to be so competitive, they often do what is necessary to end up in leadership positions.
I was listening to some interviews with general authorities and every single one of them made a reference to being extremely competitive. While I'm sure general authorities are not MDs and are otherwise nice people, it seems Mormon culture tends to value many of the qualities of MDs have and reward them through positions of leadership. Wouldn't it be nice if instead of having lawyers and businessmen running the church we had artists, poets and intellectuals? Perhaps it wouldn't run quite so smoothly and business-like and perhaps we wouldn't have enough money to be building a multi BILLION dollar mall, but maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing?

Stephanie said...

@Chris Almond

Well said. I was thinking the same thing after I wrote this, how does our culture keep producing these people?

Your answer sums it up very nicely.

@Ashley Mckinnon. I married a normal Mormon too. They do indeed exist.

Stephanie said...

@Spencer S. I totally agree. MDs get away with crap because they CAN.

After seeing friends date a string of MDs, I realized that while I appreciate that Spouseman is many things (including smart, talented, and hardworking,) I value his sense of kindness and decency most.

I could never see you or Spouseman manipulating a girl the way Bentley does Ashley.

Cassi said...

Oh if I had a penny for every MD Finance, pre-dentist, pre-law, pre-med guy I went on a date with that ended up becoming a summer seller for life- I would be rich.

Sturms said...

Douche is a funny word.

It implies that you would probably use this guy to clean your vagina and that's about it.

Like coffee beans between fragrance samples at the mall or sorbet between courses of a meal, you would use him to clean the palette between meaningful relationships.

By using the term douche to describe him, you negate the right to complain about his fitness as a longterm mate. Anything beyond the word douche is superfluous, because it implies that you have problems with him in the capacity of a role you don't desire him to fill anyway. A potential longterm companion.

Douche is worse than "stud" in the negative connotation of the word (a fit male horse used to impregnate a population of female horses), because the term douche implies that you have taken this procreative power away from him as well to the point that other than cleansing your feminine reproductive organs, he is useless and even after his proscribed use, is ultimately disposable.

It is a slightly confusing term to a culture that values one sexual relationship over the life course, but the use of a douche in human form is probably useful in some sexual economies as prostitutes fit into the sexual economies of others.

Perhaps someday, you too will be brought to the point of being a total douche, fit in the eyes of others only to cleanse the sexual palette of another.

I looked in the mirror just now and I am not a douche, because I am perfect. Anthony's argument is invalid.

DAP said...

Hah! Amen sista! I never watched this show but when I found out this guy was from Utah I was intrigued and then thoroughly and vomitously disgusted when I found out he was a Mormon. I'm appalled that people will relate his idiocy with the Church. I really think he should be stricken from the records after displaying such complete disregard for human decency. Isn't there a temple recommend question that could get him ex-ed or something? :)
Seriously, I would be the front-runner on that campaign.

However, I don't think Bentley's actions are necessarily a Mormon male trait, but it's difficult not to be irritated when these guys belong to a Church that teaches the opposite of what their actions actually end up saying about them. How unfortunate and demeaning Bentley's disfunctional behavior and bad publicity are.

And please bless the bachelorette that she won't hate the Church forever that produced such an MD. I hope lightning is attracted right to Bentley's overly-gelled head.

As for the comment about the general authorities, uhm, way off dude and pretty disrespectful. There are idiots in the church (and in leadership positions), but just because someone is competitive doesn't mean they are trashy. And I think the GA's are above that sort of pettiness as this point in the game.

CB said...

I pretty much adore making fun of the MD. These are the kind of guys who used to hate me when I was single because I wouldn't give them the time of day, and they are used to being the hottest thing on two legs. And, for some reason, the MD needs to have any female in the area checking them out, even if they aren't super babes. Brilliantly written!!

{Morgan} said...

We used to refer to these guys as "sweet bros." Because they would always walk around saying, "Ah, sweet bro!"

Other attributes:
* Plaid Shorts
* Flip Flops...year round!
* Always seen with a long board

Amy said...

Kind of sad how you were the one to point out the fact that he is mormon...helping everyone else make a generalization about mormons. The mormon culture isn't perfect, but mormons I know usually are really kind and uplifting toward one another. Not making fun of each other publicly.

Apron Appeal said...

So what is the female equivalent to a MD called? I know lots of those too. BTW we have renamed the Bachelor show at our house. We call it "The He Ho, She Ho Show". It's much more fun to say.

Katie and Sam said...

omg, who are you? You're amazing. I'm posting this on my fb.

-your new blogstalker. ;)

Stephanie said...

@Amy, I was hardly the one to "reveal" to the world that Bentley is Mormon. It is all over the internet. I simply mentioned it again in describing him.

Also, I refuse to believe that pointing out a Mormon misbehaving is somehow betraying "The Church" because now people may make a generalizations. I think most people are smart enough to know Bentley is a bad example, and as you said, most will know Mormons that refute Bentley's example.

Lastly, I made it very clear that I am mocking a "type" of person who behaves badly and should know better, not Mormons in general. Not even Bentley in general, though I used him as an example.

@DAP I got something entirely different from Chris Almond's comment. I don't think he was saying GAs are petty and competitive, I think he was saying an MD will see that many GAs are in competitive fields, and use that as an excuse to behave badly in their own quest to become a rich lawyer, doctor, dentist, etc.

Hettie said...

AMEN! Welcome to HAPPY VALLEY!
You forgot to mention to excessive amount of over the counter drugs ingested here in " Happy Valley". If its prescribed then its not a problem or against the word of wisdom. Everyone has Bipolar, schits, and depression. Wonder Why?

"live your life with love not fear". That means dont make decisions out of fear, or because your scared of whats going to happen. Make positive decisions out of love because of the positive out comes you'll get.
Find your own spiritual awakening! Be leaders not followers. Make decisions for you not everyone else.

Ryan said...

Before dating me, my wife started down the path of dating a MD in training in Provo. She came last on his to-do list which really annoyed her. Lucky for me, she looked around and we crossed paths. She quickly dropped the MD (who was studying MD and Law) and chose me. He was mad, gave her an ultimatum and left with a "You'll be sorry".

But similar to 'Spencer S', my first year down there (I was from the Pacific NW), I also secretly wanted attention like the MD was getting. Though I also knew that by studying engineering I greatly decreased my available dating pool and I would never garner that much attention. I could not get myself to change into one of them. I did try to be myself and asked out a few 'too' cute girls, but as expected they passed me over for the real MDs.

Looking back I wouldn't change a thing. I love my spouse. I love that she is opinionated, outspoken and all the other 'non-cheerleader' qualities about her. Though she may have lost her 20's body after 3 kids, she is still as cute as when we dated.

Gary Bunker said...

I came across many MDs at BYU since I was trying to get in to pharmacy school which has many of the same prerequisites as med. school, plus I lived in Provo. That alone is often enough. I'm proud to say that despite being in the proximity of so many MDs I have never once worn puka shells and always double check that I don't have a popped collar, just in case it happens by accident. I promise there are guys that are Mormon and trying to be nice. I am one. We just often get overshadowed by our MD counterparts. They quite enjoy attention and being in the spotlight.

Carrie said...

brilliant my friend, brilliant

Rae. said...

I spent two years in Provo, and was strangely perplexed by this breed of man (or non-man, so to speak). As a fellow member of the faith, I suddenly found myself longing for the simpler days of being surrounded by pot-smoking, partied out couchers. At least they were direct and to the point ("Dude, she's hot." Burp.)
In this new land, I couldn't understand the weird fascination with female jean size, shoe brands, and Jettas. WTF...Jettas?!!

Oh how I love you for giving it an accurate description. Your blog is hilarious.

rae

Macha said...

this is awesome.

amanda james said...

I know Bentley looks like a total Douche on the bachelorette, but it's tv...reality tv. I know him really well, and he is actually a really great guy. ABC made him look that way, and edited what he said to make him look like that. The truth will come out, however, Bentley is under contract and isn't at liberty to say anything in his defense. They begged him to come back to Hong Kong and made him stay until he said certain "scripted" lines to play into the villan role. aka..remember when he was talking about the kiss with ashley? "It was good at first, and then just got worse". The producers asked him to describe their dance they were doing on stage, then used his answer for something else to make him look like a tool. Then all those bleeped words? Tickle my "bleep"? It was "Tickle my back".

I know of those MD's out there, but Bentley's not one of them. I feel bad for the poor guy. His life has been turned upside down. I can vouch for him, but who knows if anyone is going to believe me since most people believe everything they see on reality tv...

Savannah said...

um, this post is incredible. you are incredible. i want to show this to every intelligent lds woman i have ever met.

i may now be slightly obsessed with you & this blog.

much love,
your new #1 fan

Stephanie said...

@Amanda James: That is too bad about the editing. I'm willing to say we don't know the whole story on Bentley, while recognizing that there are guys who really are Mormon Douches, without the help of reality TV.

Amanda said...

I completely understand your purpose in writing this. It is very funny and if you were telling me this face to face, I am sure I would laugh and think nothing more. I know you mean no malice so I say this with no judgement, only concern. I simply don't understand why a member of a church that preaches acceptance and love would deem it appropriate to cast a negative light on members of their own religion for all of blogland to see. And I can't believe how many people are applauding the same. No good can come from a post that judges and mocks members of our faith. I am not saying I am perfect. I just don't want anyone to be chased away from our church because they see discord between members of our church. And no, people are not always smart enough not to generalize an entire church over a few individuals. I constantly clear up misconceptions from non members who knew a member who had negatively impacted them, which caused them to expect that behavior from all members. And is announcing something negative about members of our church worth scaring even one non member away from our church for a few laughs??? We are a gospel of patience and forgiveness and this article portrays the opposite. I would hope that such an intelligent, clearly well-spoken woman would use her skills to attract people to our church, not scare them away. Please take these thoughts into consideration.

Emily said...

OMG! I dated a few of those guys in high school. lol This post made me smile.

bring the painster said...

can you please do a profile on "mormon hippsters"?

alyson said...

The bentley situation is so out of control. ABC has everyone under a spell. There are so many lies that you are all falling for. I can't say I blame you. They are really good at editing his words. If you all could only know the truth. But even if you heard it, I'm not sure you would even believe it. These girls are eating everything up and then passing so much judgement on somebody they dont know. Why is everyone so bitter? Ya, you can find some major tools in Provo but quit giving the place and religion such a bad name. Tools are everywhere. And although bentley said a few dumb things in front of the camera, 95% of his words are answers and opinions unrelated to the context they lead you to believe he is talking about. Bentley is a great guy in so many ways - 20x better then the stereotypes you and the commentators are describing. Just thought it would be nice to have an opinion from someone that actually knows the guy. Well, me and that super fly Amanda babe above.

Stephanie said...

@Amanda, I appreciate your concern, but I respectfully disagree. If someone truly wants the gospel in their life, they will:

a. not be put off by imperfections within the membership. If they are, they probably aren't serious about joining.

b. respect an honest evaluation of our flaws as a culture.


c. not be interested in joining a cult where everyone "acts" like everything is perfect.

I represent the church best by being myself. If there is room for a liberal feminist who calls a poorly behaved male a "douche" then there is room for just about anyone.

I respect the kind and thoughtful way you voiced your opinion, and how I represent the church is something I do consider very much, even if my approach differs from yours.

D-Train said...

Brilliant blog post. I am pretty sure you could re-purpose this into a pamphlet that they would sell at the BYU Bookstore. They could call it something like "Returning with Honor."

littlewadmod said...

Absolutely loved this..... As an ex-byui student, reformed MD hag and current young professional who fled the church and settled on the east coast, I want to say thank you. I pity the women who are struggling to live the lds faith and plan a life with such poor potential mates. May I add a couple things?
1. "wholesome" second or third dates almost always include hot tubs, water parks, hot springs, bridge jumping, swimming holes so that the MD can see u in a bathing suit and assess breasts, cellulite and space between thighs.
2. I found that while the MD loves hairstylists, he also has an affinity for kindergarten teachers, nurses and x-rays techs. You know, a good job that provides health insurance while he pursues that next entreprenurial adventure i.e. pesticide company
3. Speaking Spanish/portugese with fellow MDs while with them in a double date (just got back from Paris, even the rude Frenchman you just met will apologize for similar behavior....when speaking to a plumber....in another room)
4. Totally second the dry humping during office space thing
5. Jack Johnson (my info is a little outdated)
6. Real MD quote "Marry the butt, buy the boobs."
7. Real MD quote "28 or fornicate."
8. Throw back a Rockstar (150 mg caffeine) then chastise you for hitting starbucks and ordering a cappuccino (75 mg caffiene)

To the young ladies defending Bentley and know him personally (admittedly, I haven't seen the show) I ask; What was his impetus for doing the show? If it was for love, why persue a relationship with a young woman who is not LDS and therefore not a suitable mate?

kamcicle said...

the men who defend the MD's are jealous, and the "nice guys" are SPINELESS.

and sadly, it's easy to confuse arrogance with confidence because everything they do is a show. they're so good at it that i wonder if even they know the difference.

and yes, it would be awesome if 'b' was the real bentley. because that was a typical MD response. lame.

kamcicle said...

the men who defend the MD's are jealous, and the "nice guys" are SPINELESS.

and sadly, it's easy to confuse arrogance with confidence because everything they do is a show. they're so good at it that i wonder if even they know the difference.

and yes, it would be awesome if 'b' was the real bentley. because that was a typical MD response. lame.

kamcicle said...

also, the those defending him: you can't deny that he is a liar. he blamed his departure on his daughter instead of manning up and telling the truth. so....pot? kettle?

Amanda Poppe said...

This is hilarious! You found a way to put into words what I've been trying to for a few years. I made my mom read this article so she would understand why I've been at BYU and "am still not anywhere near marriage" I meet far too many MD's!

Kellie said...

It's not just Provo that has this species in excess. Rexburg is flowing with them as well! I love that you say it how we all think it!

Kim said...

I luckily wasn't pretty enough to come across many MDs in seven years at BYU (undergrad and law school). Why do girls date those losers?
Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that many of these guys are "going to medical/dental school" but don't make it through the basic science prereqs, or are "going to law school" but bomb the LSAT.

Kim said...

I luckily wasn't pretty enough to meet many MDs in my years at BYU. Why do girls date these losers?

Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that many of these dudes are "going to medical school" but can't handle basic science prereqs, or are "going to law school" but bomb the LSAT.

Finally, as a graduate of BYULaw, I have to stand up for my (very few) single male classmates, none of whom were jerks.

Stacie and Jared said...

Thank you for summing it up so nicely! My sister-in-law was dating one of these MDs last year (you need to add Real Estate Agents to your list of MD careers, as well as the constant need to be the center of attention, freakin tools!) and he gave her the run around for 6 months before breaking up with her. I need to show her this, she'll get a kick out of it!

md-01 said...

You seemed to have missed what is clearly the leading indicator ...

11. they disagree with your comments.

Before furthering your stereotypes, let me just point out, that these guys exist only because girls like you are (or were) attracted to them.

So do I fit your stereotypes? I'll let you decide.

1. charming, overly-polite, and gregarious? I like to think so. Rank your physical appearance, try to date your younger sister while simultaneously flirting with you? Check, but only if she's more attractive, which she probably is.

2. On the surface, devoted to religion? Check. ZL? Check. Only time it ever comes up though? when girls asked if I served a mission.

3. Avoid porn, but I do appreciate checking out girls who are, let's say, 'attractively' dressed

4. Studied Business at BYU, pretty successful so far, which even the less attractive girls seem to care about. No alarm systems or pest control job yet.

5. Au contraire, I wish there were more women in B-School when I was there, not fewer. Of course only because there would have been more of them to date.

6. Not from Provo, but did go to school there. My big complaint with girls at BYU? Finding an attractive interesting girl is rather difficult. Lots of girls with one of the two but not a lot with both.)

7. Contrary to this point, I think antiquated church doctrine has unfortunately contributed to the biggest problem at BYU. A distinct lack of diversity and single girls at the business school, as mormon girls are expected to be barefoot and pregnant instead of at school.

8. No problems with Gay people. I generally appreciate their fashion sense, especially at the hair salon and clothing stores. I trust their judgement more than a woman's at such places. I'm not at all homophobic, but mormon guys in Utah seem to be, especially when it comes to well-dressed guys from out of town.

9. Sorry, no pukka shell jewelery. See point #8.

10. Sorry, no popped collar either.

Now that I'm finished, feel free to make judgements on how good of a person this makes me.

Lexi said...

So funny! This is the first time I've been to your blog but I love this post! I laughed so much! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Chrissi said...

Please PLEASE do a follow-up post of MD's most regular conquest- Mormon Barbie.

Alicia said...

Hilarious and so RIGHT ON! What a great way to waste some time this morning, reading this!! Thanks for the laugh.

tracyjax said...

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU. I was trying to explain to my dad last night how this dude is the epitome of every mormon dude I meet anymore. Ok so they aren't all like that but oh my gosh, there are way too many.

BChandler said...

I would laugh but it's actualy really sad when they "succeed." A close friend of mine married a MD. The reason girls date guys like that is because their self esteem is low, as her's was. And then when the MD can get the poor girl pregnant he's a shoe in for marriage and so he has her trapped. He can keep her around to make himself feel better and massage his ego. And unfortunatly her self esteem plummets and she believes all his lies about how dumb she is...and can never make it without him. (Never mind that he's had an affair with the babysitter, never mind his verbal abuses and threats..somehow SHE'S worthless and he's the bomb.) I could go on and on about the characteristics of the Married Mormon Douche. Those are the ones that make my heart ache...the Mormon Douches who get married and don't get divorced. But you nailed it right on the head. This describes my friend's husband exactly.

Everett Family said...

super funny!!! you hit it on the nose!

Liz said...

Love it!! Totally and completely describes my ex 100%!!!!!! Thanks for sharing!!

abby said...

i mainly agree with this post except for the med school thing...i know a lot of AMAZING lds guys that went to/go to med school...but in general this is accurate.. isnt it so sad that guys can be so awful?! ugh.

Turbo said...

So glad I read this post. I have lived most of my life thinking that "MD" stood for something completely different. Thk gd for the internetz.

Deveny said...

HAHAHA; hilarious list.

And can I just state the obvious that very few pointed out.. the only reason there are still MD's is because girls keep dating/marrying them! Gimme a break ladies, once you find out he's an MD, GET RID OF HIM and then warn everyone you know.

Tori said...

H aha love it...I swear ABC is just out to make mormons look crazy!!!

Even though I hate Bentley on the show he made for great entertainment and now we have to watch Ashley be boring with the remainging men...sigh...p.s. I've see the final four and they are

Tori said...

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Trace said...

Your post is quite funny, but I have a more serious thought or two. Many of the stated MD's traits are actually common to the general populace of "Mormons." Most particularly this one: "While seemingly devout on the surface, they have strange little exceptions made to suit their needs." Thanks for allowing me to comment.

Stephanie said...

@md-01

You care waaaaaay too much about what I think in order to be a true MD. A true MD would just dismiss me as too ugly to care about.


@Trace

Excellent point.

Ben said...

I thought that you'd appreciate this take on the same subject: How To Be a Provo Douche Bag. Enjoy!

Ben said...

Oops. I must have messed up the link code: How to Be a Provo Douche. Sorry about that!

Michelle said...

Nice summary. My friends and I refer to these men folk as "sweet bros".

Barry Cann said...

This is so perfectly perfect. :)

The Stone's Daily Grind said...

I have thought he was a douche bag all along, but my friend knows his little brother and she said he is a really nice mormon guy, and that he just was exaggerating everything.
Because it is reality tv, I have to believe that to be true. However, I have known many a MD in my life and it would not shock me if your list applied to him at least 50%.

Brad Goaslind said...

I just threw away my Puka Shell necklace and put my collar down. I will try harder to be the kind of "M" you think I should be to remove the "D".

Seriously though, whether I am or have been a "MD" I hope you know I'm doing my best to simply be a good person. I'm sure a lot of other "MD's" are doing the same, despite what you might think.

Most of your MD's are just guys being subject to a temporal experience. Most of them (believe it or not) are on the path becoming better people than they are or have been. Some --like Bentley-- might not be on that path right now.

I don't like how Bentley is portraying Mormons. I don't like him at all. But I don't think that you should blanket label other confident Male Mormons in the same category as Bentley. Your are making our religion look even worse than he is.

You might try giving people a little more slack. Most of them deserve it.

Sincerely,

-Possibly considered a MD

HeySharky! creative designs said...

hillarious! i greatly dislike this guy! [don't accually know him so can't hate him..] but what a douche! ....yet another reason not to live in Utah- but can't say they don't exsist in San Diego.... sadly, some have migrated from the valley to our coast. I hate bad press, and this guy doesn't help :(
boo on bently.
ps. i have a feriend who's DOG is named bentley.. tried to hump everything in sight.

SilverRain said...

Nice!

They aren't just Mormon, though. It's just that those who happen to be Mormon use the religion to further their own ends.

I know because I married one who converted after I met him, but before we married.

SuzyQ said...

Great blog entry! Hilarious!

P.S. Can't remember who referenced him, but leave Jimmer out of this! He is in no way a MD.

Camille said...

"@MJ. I KNOW! I know an MD who constantly berates his wife for not being smart enough to tutor his precious offspring in algebra

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. You married a girl who dropped out of college after one semester. What did you think would happen?"

You know that they teach algebra in jr high and high school?
I'm signing off as "One Who Dropped Out of College After One Semester but Loves Algebra" (because I really do)

Mellifera said...

MDs aren't a Mormon thing-- they just call them "frat boys" everywhere else.

I didn't meet a whole lot of Mormon Douches at BYU. (Thanks my magic Bitch-Ray Vision!) But, then my FABULOUS husband and I came out to University of Florida so we could both do grad school--shock and awe, there are Douchey McDouchersons and their female counterparts crawling all over the place. We call them "suburban debutantes" here in Florida. Did you know sodden drunk southern belles who wear Victoria's Secret for outerwear are a thing? They're a thing. They're a whole segment of the population.

In some ways the non-Mormon ones here at UF are worse. You can see why your Mormon Princess types would *think* marrying a douche is a good idea: they've been so hyped up about how they should be nice moms that they went all the way to "be stupid and don't worry, your husband will take care of everything." I thought non-BYU coeds were going to be smarter than that. But as far as I can tell they're really not.

Mellifera said...

MDs aren't a Mormon thing-- they just call them "frat boys" everywhere else.

I didn't meet a whole lot of Mormon Douches at BYU. (Thanks my magic Bitch-Ray Vision!) But, then my FABULOUS husband and I came out to University of Florida so we could both do grad school--shock and awe, there are Douchey McDouchersons and their female counterparts crawling all over the place. We call them "suburban debutantes" here in Florida. Did you know sodden drunk southern belles who wear Victoria's Secret for outerwear are a thing? They're a thing. They're a whole segment of the population.

In some ways the non-Mormon ones here at UF are worse. You can see why your Mormon Princess types would *think* marrying a douche is a good idea: they've been so hyped up about how they should be nice moms that they went all the way to "be stupid and don't worry, your husband will take care of everything." I thought non-BYU coeds were going to be smarter than that. But as far as I can tell they're really not.

Stephanie said...

@Brad Goaslind

You had me until you told me I was making our religion look worse than Bentley was.

Um. Say Whaaa? By calling out his poor behavior and saying that it is not okay to treat people that way? How does distancing myself from Bentley make Mormonism look bad. Frankly, I would think most people would heave a sigh of relief that someone is saying what we all know: Some people are Mormon Douches, but not everyone.

Furthermore, I think I made it pretty clear that I don't think being cofident OR ambitious is a bad thing. Hurray for confident and hard working people everywhere!

Just don't be a Bentley.

Danielle said...

LOVED THIS!! And may I say to those who argue that ABC edited his dialogue to make him the villain- -how do you edit such things as, "I came here thinking the Bachelorette would be Emily. Compared to her, Ashley is an ugly duckling. I'm not interested in her at all" or "I played Ashley and every other guy in the house. That's never been done before *snide grin*. Pretty sure comments like those couldn't be created by editing. Scripted? Sure. If so, that just solidifies his MDness for being willing to go along with it.

Paul said...

It may have been said already, there are too many comments to sift through them all (congrats to you), but it has to be said. SOME of the blame falls back on the women. For us guys who aren't "Bentley" look-a-likes, we get stood up and rejected a lot. Just saying there's a certain amount of pressure to be more like "Bentley." At least in the sense that you need a faux-hawk, aropostale clothes, skinny jeans, one of those beanies that look like a b*ll-sack on your head, 80's sunglasses (though you weren't alive in the 80's, or whatever else is trendy at the moment.

MANDY said...

I somehow have a sort of love/hate relationship with this post....I LOVE IT....but at the same time hate that it is sooooo true. I am a born and raised atypically typical utah mormon woman. Unfortunately I fell head over heels for an non-active, rebellious "jack mormon" as some might say who happens to be the very picture of what you have described.....and bipolar to top it off.
I hate that I was so easily manipulated and spent five and a half years being verbally, mentally and emotionally abused by such a person.
But I was thoroughly entertained by this post. I lived in Provo for a year and a half and working in retail helped to provide the polos, plaid shorts, flip flops and most importantly...the puka shell necklaces for these fellas. I regrettably overlooked some really good guys cause I was a 20 yr old that didn't know any better.
I hope that starting over with the knowledge I have now and two children for whom to provide and protect I'll make a much better choice.

md-grandmaster said...

I checked off most of the test.

I also dated all the girls you aspired to be, mostly at the same time.

I also wouldn't have wasted any of my time on most of the haters comenting on here, jealous much?

MD's exist, because that is what most chics want, we fullfill your hierarchy of needs and wants, you just thought we were serious about you, we just wanted to try all the 31 flavors, pretty simple basic human instinct going on here, this really should be so revealing.

We also learn that hottness is typically proportional to problems, we tend to have them also, so we tend to make a great "hot mess" together, yet we still tend to be the envy of mormondom even into our 40's and 50's, but then we are no longer MD's, we are successful good looking couples with successful good looking kids who tend to be very similar to us, our looks give us a head start and our desire to succeed coupled with our social skills make us your boss, you hate us because you never will be us, no matter how hard you try.

Seriously, get over yourself, you aren't positively helping anyone, we all have our issues, I don't write blogs about losers, I have enough of my own problems to work on.

Katherine Anne said...

Words cannot even EXPRESS how much I love this. This list is every guy I have gone out with since I graduated high school. This is probably what is driving me to go on a mish. They have 18 1/2 months to shape up...but it's unlikely.

Classless tools. They make me wanna light myself on fire.

Brad Goaslind said...

@Stephanie,

In response to:

"You had me until you told me I was making our religion look worse than Bentley was.

Um. Say Whaaa? By calling out his poor behavior and saying that it is not okay to treat people that way? How does distancing myself from Bentley make Mormonism look bad...."

I'm glad you are calling out Bentley. The guy is a Bona Fide Douche. What I have a problem with is that a reader (especially a non-mormon reader) would think that my religion (Mormon) is rampantly breeding Douche Bags. And that the condition is somehow exclusive to Mormons. That is the negative light I'm talking about.

Also, I stand by my inference that everyone is on the road to overcoming some degree of Douche-bagginess (new term?), yourself included. This is a human experience. Who knows, even Bentley could change?

BTW, I accidentally responded (twice) from my non-professional-stay-at-home-family-& consumer-studies-graduate-wifes' google account. I'm such a douche.

Laura, Ben, and family said...

I accidentally ran across your blog (meaning I saw a co-worker reading it and had to look it up). I have run across so many MD's!

movingluggage said...

On #4, they're usually, pre-med, pre-law, pre-dentistry, and finance (because they couldn't get into byu accounting).

Gypsy Girl said...

Child Bride, I don't know you but you are one of my new favorite people. I laughed/cried through this entire post because it is so painfully true.

I am, ahem, older... and single and unfortunately the dating pool is quickly getting dried up. Sadly, I missed that window of prime marriage opportunity between age 19 and 25. The problem at this stage in my life lies in the fact that the majority of guys that are left that are older and single fall into this category of MDs. And those that don't, who are genuinely kind and motivated and don't practice unrighteous dominion(and have real jobs), fall in love with the female version of the MD. It's a frustrating cycle to watch and be a part of. For sake of argument though (and for fear that someone will comment on my comment), I must clarify that I believe there are still some good guys left out there that could, oh my gosh, fall in love with someone like me. But it's the epitome of the phrase "It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack." Seriously. I am basically a recipe for disaster in our culture - 29, single, opinionated, educated, returned missionary, career oriented..... DOOMED.

Glad I stumbled across your blog. Big fan.

colleenroselle said...

awesome. I love this. so true.

Lindsy said...

Very nice! I would know - I was once married to a MD. Which attribute rings most true? Not wanting to compete with a more intelligent wife. I had my degree and he didn't. I had a career, and he jumped from sales job to sales job. He was definitely a talker - someone that could convincingly weave a story to anyone, and as his own mother said, "could sell ice to an Eskimo." The only time he ever have the motivation to go back to school was when I made more money than him, and then he'd promptly drop out as soon as he got another raise to make more than me. Very quickly I wasn't allowed to ever talk of my career, and he'd tell me that I was "talking that geek talk again," and to stop. So sorry your pea-size brain can't keep up. The last few years of our marriage was spent with him throwing a fit if I tried to hang my diploma anywhere on the walls of our home, or even pictures from my graduation. He'd do anything to try to demoralize me in my work by downplaying my work, and prevent me from furthering my career by taking a greater job, refusing to accompany me to conferences, being recognized for accomplishments, or even coming to watch me present. I'm with Hillary - so I should pretend to be less than I am so someone can coast along on his mediocrity and think he's great? No thanks. It's not my fault you lack the enthusiasm, drive, and brain-power to be something more. You can't make your light shine greater by trying to snuff mine.

Stephanie said...

@Brad Goaslind

Look, you realize the inherent problem in your argument here, right? You're getting on the internet, and publicly saying my behavior makes the LDS Church look bad, because I got on the internet, and publicly said Bentley makes the LDS church bad.

What if someone interested in the church reads your comments and thinks that all Mormons are jerks who call eachother "Bad Mormons" when they disagree? You are making the church look worse than Bentley, because everyone knows a self-righteous know-it-all is worse than a player-douche.

I'm kidding. I don't think you are making the church look bad, or that you are a self-righteous douche. I think you may believe there is only one right way to represent the LDS church, and we can agree to disagree on that point. However, I must say that when my husband, who was raised by a highly inactive mother, started investigating the church as an adult, I think appreciated the people like me who can recognize the great things about being LDS, while also recognizing the funny foibles.

I made it very clear that MDs are minorities, wierd species found only in particular parts of church culture. Saying they exist does not cancel out all the good memebers, I'm simply recognizing a flaw, and laughing about it. I think being honest (and maybbe a little funny) about our differences may attract some members. It brings me back every time I am frustrated.

Anyway, either way, it doesn't matter if you think I'm a bad Mormon (worse than Bentley? Really?) Or if I think you're a douche (I don't.) It matters how we feel about our progression through various phases of douchiness, and how God feels. Hows that for a churchy answer?

Ps. Hope you weren't truly offended by my bit about FCS majors, I included it soley because my husband has an FCS degree, which MDs think is emasculating.

Maybe we should start a FCS spouses group like they do for medical and law students. I'll bring the cupcakes my husband made.

Bree Leach, L.M.T. said...

I agree with the emotional statemements about "MDs"... But if we can observe a little closer and look at it with some "glass is half full" criticism, I think we can learn something.

We SLC girls have been there, done that, right? And we enjoy fueling each other's fire... But what can we learn, from this public broadcast of which we were able to see 100% candid from our very own Utah county MD in his natural habitat?

Bentley was 100% honest with the viewers.
He walked us through every move and every intention.

In his defense, The Bachelorette is a game show! And in his words, the game was over before it began.

If anything, we should be thanking Bentley. God only knows the number of fairy tale love story chasers (who, by the way highly saturate the LDS Provo/SLC singles scene) hearts he saved!

We can't point the finger at these bad boys when "temple marriage seeking" girls are left broken hearted after chasing the $uccessful, handsome "Bentleys".

I am a believer in the natural cycle of life. If the prey dies off, then the predator slowly becomes extinct. Let's quit bashing on these so-called MDs and kill them off one by one by removing the targets that we willingly put on our own backs.

With that said, I applaud Bentley and his outstanding performance.

Stay classy, Utah County.

Sincerely,

Yours Truly

Straight Butter Productions said...

i saw this blog post in my facebook feed i have to say it's awesome

my few thoughts: not all Mormon guys are douches but the fact that they can be seen in packs fake baked a wearing pooka shells they are a giant basket of rotten apples

The Church doesn't teach people to be fake and superficial and the normal guys cant stand them either. They're tools! The apartment full of MDs - the tool shed, MD who is a tool from all angles -the leatherman, the DM elders quorum president who lies about the home teaching numbers to look good and when confronted by the relief society president conveniently and abruptly moves back to San Diego to surf- typical

real normal guys want to be EQUAL partners with their wife, a girl you would feel comfortable tutoring your kids and smart enough not to marry a MD

Margaret Teusch said...

I thought about laughing but then I was kind of just sad. As a BYU student who would like to get married at some point, this is sad and slightly terrifying. And also this thought: Who are these boys' mothers?

Adriane said...

I have to say I'm pretty grateful for the MD I dated in high school. It was an experience I swore I would never repeat. Thanks to him, I am married to the most fabulous, non-MD Mormon in the world!

I have to agree that most of the guys I've met aren't MDs. Stephanie said they are a minority. I grew up here in Happy Valley, attended BYU, and there were plenty of very nice boys.

I also wanted to mention that most of our General Authorities ARE artists, poets, and intellectuals--in their spare time of course. Of course, the DM I dated was quite a good artist and musician as well, so it's not a guarantee.

"Why do girls date them?" Many of us were (or still are) naive enough to fall for their pretty ways--remember what Stephanie said, they are very sweet on the surface, and very clever at slipping in the manipulations and abuse. Like another commenter said, they are pros at tearing their "most cherished POSSESSION" down while still making themselves look like model boyfriends/husbands. It's frightening really--I still start shaking when I come across that ex-boyfriend.

Of course, that's not why all girls date them. Just trying to defend those of us who have been caught in their wily snares.

Mine even gave ME a pukka shell necklace...

btw, my friend Meagan has been telling me about your blog for a long time now. This is the first time I've gotten to read it, but I'm a fan!

raysugarray said...

I can't wait for all of this Bentley hype to dissipate so that this pathetic blog will go back to the depths of anonymity where it belongs.

Jenny Donna said...

I call them...Provo AllStars

Marschalls said...

Hello! I was wondering if anyone knows if Bentley considers himself a practicing Mormon or if Michelle Money (on the Bachelor last season) does? I live in Wisconsin and have never experienced the "MD" phenomenon.

Julia said...

He lives near me. He named his dog after himself. 'Nuf said.

Alyssa said...

Ohhh goodness! You just explained my brother in law to a T!! Very entertaining! Thanks :)

Julie said...

Not to be rude but I think that this was very unnecessary and uncalled for. Yes Bentley is an idiot, as are a lot of people out there. But you gave the LDS Church as bad of a name as he did.

christa @ enSTYLEpedia said...

someone i know on FB posted this and i coudn't not comment, this was soooo amazing. you are a brilliant writer. i especially love the alarm systems reference...oh so many douches selling those over the summer.

Britt said...

i like bentley. and i like mormons. they are all really cool.

Stephanie said...

@Julie, anytime you start out a statement with "Not to be rude," it is probably rude.

Likewise, saying "No offense" does not cancel out saying something offensive.

Concerning your actual comment? You can see my response to "You give Mormons a bad name" in my conversation with Brad G. Which is intersting and funny and productive, instead of being boring and passive agressive, like your comment. No offense. Not to be rude. Bless your heart.

Stephanie said...

@Brad

You posted your last comment on my "toast spiders" post, when I think it meant to be posted here. I'm going to repost it here and respond to it in a separate comment.

Your comment:

@Stephanie

Thanks for turning me into an active blog commenter -- This is a first for me. Our dialog has been entertaining.

I exaggerated in saying that you're worse than Bentley. And I think that's the first time I've ever been referred to as self-righteous.

Maybe your article struck a nerve because your numbered illustration of how to recognize MD's hit me close to home. I'll expound:

1. "...try to date your younger sister while simultaneously flirting with you, and text his ex-girlfriend..." Not an unlikely scenario while I was dating. I called it: dating.

2. "....They will have served a mission, and will brag about being Zone Leader or AP..." I served a mission and was those things... though, I've never bragged about it or even brought it up publicly. But it was familiar, nonetheless.

4. "....Law, or Medicine. He will have average grades, but excess charm, and will temporarily be wildly successful. However, a few failed tests will result in a sudden interest in alarm systems...." I was "pre-law" and had average grades and now I'm a real estate agent (most people put Realtors in the alarm systems catergory).

5. "...The MD will promptly quote Church talks or Proclamations that support a woman staying at home with her children, mostly because he doesn't want to have to compete with them in his Macro Economics class, Law School, or Medical School..." I love that my wife stays at home with my children and so do my children. I'd be happy to see this social situation more frequently in the world.

"Allow me to clarify: a true Mormon Douche is highly competitive with other males, but would combust if forced to compete at home. Prolonged interaction with female missionaries, engineering students, and professors..." I have been known to say, 'If you marry a sister missionary, you'll be Jr. Companion for the rest of your life', usually said in jest to my own sisters (who are Sr. Companions).

9. "At one point, all Mormon Douches wore pukka shell jewelry." ~97-99 I wore something like this: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?VISuperSize&item=320570742795

10. "At one point, all Mormon Douches popped their collars..." I have at some time or another popped my collar. Then I realized I looked like a douche.

Also, I swear you deleted something about carrying long boards? I love long boarding and it was my main mode of transportation through most of my bachelors degree.

So here's the deal, according to a lot of your criteria, I'm a douche. I'm sure someone, somewhere described me as such, behind my back (after showing a good face in front of me).
But, if I am a douche, I'm in a bigger group than a small minority (as you've described it). I get along with most guys (mormon or not) and have a lot in common with them. I think we are more of a Majority than a minority but I don't think we have much in common with Bentley.

So maybe you have a problem with men in general?

There. That's only my third blog comment ever and hopefully the longest I'll ever type. Once again, thanks for inspiring me. I truly think you're a great writer and very entertaining. I'm enjoying the witty banter.

-One of many, many Douche Bags

Stephanie said...

@Brad

Number one sign you aren't a doucebag, despite other indicators? You aren't afraid to have a conversation with an intelligent woman. Remember, a true MD sees successful women/people as their natural enemy.

True douchebags have commented and said my post must simply be inspired by the fact that an MD jilted me, because I am ugly, or because I'm fat. Yeah, you popped your collar once, you're still way to nice to be an MD.

I've enjoyed our conversation, and I'm happy that we were able to have one without resorting to being mean. Thanks for respectful and non-douchey.

mybonniekay said...

Bentley's parents must be horrified at the son they raised. He most likely has a disorder known as Megalomania. Bentley might be helped by a trip to a good therapist. Bentley's wife be glad your out of there. He very well could be a Scott Peterson type. Keep you sweet daughter away from him. He seems to have forgotten that Ashley has a Daddy too Who loves and adores her. Hope no man ever treats Cozy like he treated Ashely. Bentley is the worst kind of Mormon Man he really does not represent most of the men in the LDS faith who treat their family's and children with love and honor. Please don't judge our faith by Bentley's behavior. Get some help.

mybonniekay said...

Bentley's parents must be horrified at the son they raised. He most likely has a disorder known as Megalomania. Bentley might be helped by a trip to a good therapist. Bentley's wife be glad your out of there. He very well could be a Scott Peterson type. Keep you sweet daughter away from him. He seems to have forgotten that Ashley has a Daddy too Who loves and adores her. Hope no man ever treats Cozy like he treated Ashely. Bentley is the worst kind of Mormon Man he really does not represent most of the men in the LDS faith who treat their family's and children with love and honor. Please don't judge our faith by Bentley's behavior. Get some help.

Stacia said...

Oh. My. Gosh. Um, I loved this sooo much. I have been watching Bentley put on a show and manipulate Ashely without any regard for her as a human being and it is so frustrating! I understand that the producers could be making him look worse with their editing. But, unfortunately I have to agree with many of the other women on here and say that I have come across SOOO many of these guys out at BYU!

This is my issue: It seems to me that people have stopped genuinely caring about those around them. It's all about what you can get out of the other person. Guys only talk to the girls they want something out of. And let's be honest... a lot of girls do this too! But as an example, I took a lot of ballroom dance classes, so I had to deal with "Tje Ballroom Douche" all the time... There were several times I would try to befriend guys, out of a genuine interest in them, not as a potential husband, but as a potential friend, and I felt like so many guys would assume that I wanted to marry them or something! They would avoid me and make me feel like I wasn't good enough for them. And I'm thinking, excuse me! Who are you to decide my worth! I'm a great catch! What's with these guys! I mean, I'm no Barbie doll, but I'm pretty awesome, I must say. ;) But, that's just my pride getting hurt, and not the real issue.

The real issue is that a lot of us have stopped genuinely caring about people/relationships. We are only looking at what the other person can offer us, rather than looking at what the other person might need. If we're not "interested" in a person, we don't even bother putting any effort into a friendship. We have stopped looking outward with love and concern to those around us that might need help, or simply a smile.

That is the real problem with the MD! They are selfish pigs that only look at what a woman can offer them! Whew, that felt good! :)

Okay, but seriously, we should be looking at Christ's example, throughout his life and teachings he served! He cared about the people around him. He loved. He wept. He died. And He lives! For us. Let's remember his example in how we treat others.

And maybe I need to do that too... and Forgive.

Even the MD! Haha!

David Keuhl said...

The irony of labeling someone a "douche" for being misogynous is not lost on me.

Maren said...

Bravo! Random question off the subject. Do you know those people that you have posted on your page that want to adopt? Kuman was my efy counselor like 15 years ago. Random!

Stephanie said...

@Maren

Thanks! I went to school with Holly's sister, she asked me to put a link to their profile, and I was happy to do it!

Jen, RN said...

This is AMAZING. Also one reason why I'm not married :)

JustMe said...

Wow, Steph, you sure touched a lot of nerves with this post. I keep checking back to see the new comments.

In future posts I expect you to apologize for presenting The Church is a bad light. Even though Bradley is obviously a douche, you should not have commented on it. And if you just could not help yourself, you should have couched your post in terms that made it clear that you loved and accepted him as your “brother”. Also, you should not have said that there are others out there just like him. You are giving non-members the impression that all Mormons are not alike. I am sure you are aware that this is false doctrine, and you will probably be punished for it.

I’m pretty sure it is wrong for you to celebrate that you weren’t attracted to and did not attract the douches. If you were really as wonderful as you try to present yourself, you would have married a douche and then worked diligently until you had turned him into a proper Utah Mormon. And, while we are on the subject, I would appreciate it if you could do a future post that defines “proper Utah Mormon” for those of us that are cursed to live in “the mission field.”

I applauded @md_grandmaster when he wrote “I also dated all the girls you aspired to be, mostly at the same time.” He was astute to realize that ALL Mormon women want to be beautiful, vain, and shallow. We want to be able to say “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Seriously, why would any woman want to be like you? It is obvious that you are intelligent, witty, thoughtful and able to write a blog that will attract hundreds of comments. We know that you secretly aspire to be beautiful in the shallow kind of way that would attract a douche. I could tell from reading his comments that he really will marry an attractive, successful woman and they will have attractive, successful children AND he will someday be your boss. Maybe you really do hate douches because you will never be one, no matter how hard you try. You should consider emailing your resume to Grandmaster so he can be your boss now and fulfill his prophecy.

Steph, you know I have been a long time reader of your blog and comment fairly often. You really are doing your fellow Mormons a disservice when you write this type of post. It is hard being a member in a part of the country where Mormons are less plentiful and are sometimes thought of as strange, weird, non-Christian, a cult, and certainly different. You write a blog and make it clear you are Mormon. When non-members read your blog they are probably stunned when you shatter their perception of what a member of the church is like. How can we hold on our standing as a “cult” when you make it painfully clear you operate outside the box? And, you are still a member of the church and haven’t been kicked out for being “different”.

Please, please just write another post apologizing for calling dear, sweet Bentley a Mormon Douche. Admit the error of your ways. Accept that you will never be a douche, no matter how hard you work to become one. Promise that in the future you will only write posts that other, and better, Mormons will approve of. In return, I promise that we will forgive you and welcome you back into the fold. Really – it would be for your own good.

Saris said...

i dont live in the US and have never been there but what Ive seen so far is that ldslink is probably full of them...

Karen Ella said...

I don't even know you, but I am currently standing up in my cubicle on BYU's campus, applauding you. SHEER GENIUS. MDs or Provo All-stars run rampant where I live, and as a full-time employed, female PhD student...well, you can imagine. Thank you for the hilarity you provided today.

Five said...

So. FUNNY!

Stephanie said...

@Just Me

Bahahaha, I just snorted diet coke. Well Played!

Um. I mean, you are so right! I don't know what I was thinking! My heart is full of sorrow, and I have made an appointment with my Bishop to start the repentence process. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner!

Camilla said...

Dear MCB,

This is my first visit to your blog. May I just say, brava, brava. A little more than two years ago as I started my master's degree at BYU, we had a full-on, legitimate class discussion on dating and pairing habits of emerging adults (18-24 ys.). Of particular interest, were the Provo All-Stars and Sweet Bros, who I believe (given our class discussion and your spot-on list of MD warning signs), all fall under the larger umbrella category of MD. It was one of my favorite classes.

bota said...

because i'm sure that only about 10% of the mormons who read this blog actually know what a douche is, below is a definition of a douche. the last thing we need is a bunch of Romney supporters running around calling everyone and everything douches:

A douche is a device used to introduce a stream of water into the vagina. Douche usually refers to vaginal irrigation, the rinsing of the vagina, but it can also refer to the rinsing of any body cavity (theres really only one other potential use, and you can probably figure it out for yourself). A douche bag is a piece of equipment for douching—a bag for holding the fluid used in douching. To avoid transferring intestinal bacteria into the vagina, the same bag must not be used for an enema and a vaginal douche.

The said...

Internet, are you really reading The Mormon Child Bride? You shouldn’t. Fear not, you can return to reading Dooce.com for some real Mormon hating. Insert some unrelated yet stupid analogy about sex here in order to appear witty. Ready? Go: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Let me introduce you to The Mormon Child Bride, she seems to think herself an excellent blogger of intelligence and wit. On second thought, never mind, what you really need to know about her is that she is a Returned Sister Missionary, or, from here-to-forth referred to as the “Sweet Spirit.” She has a husband who has a degree in Engineering; oh wait, in Family and Consumer Sciences. And she does something that I don’t really care to spend the time researching. Hobbies include bashing men, judging others she doesn’t know, wishing she could have married up, and dresses with flower prints.

People seem unusually confused by Stephanie’s behavior on her blog, as she claims to be a “Sweet Spirit”, since she seems to go on and on in stereotypical fashion about men she does not know. In actuality, her behavior is not hard to classify, as it is typical of a not so rare specimen of Mormon feminism, the “Sweet Spirits.”

How can you tell if you’ve ever been exposed to a “Sweet Spirit”? Here are a few of the basic indicators:

1. The “Sweet Spirit” will tell you that she went on a mission because she decided on this goal while in her youth. She will appear to be righteous, especially around others who she deems in need of help in living a gospel oriented life. It is to your face she will appear to be pious and self-righteous, as she has no need of help to correct anything in her life. She is, in fact, perfect. She did serve a mission after all. And did so by choice, not by commandment, which, by default, makes her better than all of her male serving counterparts.

2. Reality will reveal that she served in mission not due to the reasons stated above. After years of chasing what she describes as the “Mormon Douche”, she realized that she was, in fact, not attractive enough to ascertain her dream, and settled for an average to less than average Mormon male.

In order to prevent too obvious scorn that come from going to BYU and not being married by the age of 20, she decided to go on a mission. Upon returning, she once again realized that nothing about her had significantly changed, and she will find a feminized male that she can marry. As someone else mentioned, if you marry a “Sweet Spirit”, you will be the Jr. comp in that marriage.

The said...

3. She will assume that all Mormon males have problems with porn. This must be, after all, the reason that she hasn’t found anyone interested enough to marrying her after spending 4 years at the meat market that is BYU. The real reason she hasn’t married yet can’t have anything to do with the glaring personality flaws or lack of self-respect.

4. The “Sweet Spirit” will major in a typically male dominated degree, such as Physics, Chemistry, or Engineering, as to display her obvious superior intellect. She is, after all, a “Sweet Spirit” and is far superior to any and all males.

5. While the “Sweet Spirit” says she supports the leadership of the church, she secretly derides the fact that she will never hold the priesthood. She was more righteous than all the Elders she served with, and she herself should have been Mission President. As a good LDS feminist, she will not be vocal about her disagreement and resentment, yet she will blog about it occasionally behind the veil of anonymity.

6. While “Sweet Spirits” are often found outside of Provo, wait, they actually aren’t. So that point is moot. They do, however, think their intellect superior to all others, especially the Mormon male. They fail to recognize that they are actually “bitches”. They go on to lead solitary lives as Professors, where, in their spare time, they read trashy romance novels and deride Mormon males as pornographers. To the benefit of all mankind, they will never propagate. Thank goodness for that.

7. They have several gay friends and vocally support gay rights and gay marriage, contrary to the teachings of the Church and the importance of the family. They do in fact exhibit general characteristics of misanthropy. As a child, the “Sweet Spirit” didn’t receive the love and support she needed from her father, and therefore blames all men for her “daddy” issues.

8. In their piety, “Sweet Spirits” will judge anyone who disagrees with them in #7 as a homophobe, racist, or pig.

9. At one point, all “Sweet Spirits” wore large floral print dresses and probably still do.

10. At some point in their existence, all “Sweet Spirits” will develop “Relief Society Arms”. Need I say more?


While sightings of “Sweet Spirits” are frequent, their existence can mainly be ignored. They were, in fact, doomed the day the decided to go to BYU in order to bag a Mormon Douche ;)

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