I think my blog would be funnier, but less meaningful. I liked my foray into No-Delete Thursday, I will definitely do it again, especially since there is nothing more cathartic than random swears.
But for me, I think too much no-delete can lead to no-thinking, and I'm already lazy enough.
No-Delete Thursday did force me to think about why I haven't written very much lately, and how I can change that, and what is it that I'm so afraid of every time I open my blogger account, or the email that receives unmoderated comments.
I'm afraid that even though I'm a big believer in saying-what-you-want, I'm also a big believer in saying-it-in-a-productive-way, and a kind way. For instance, I'm all for orthodox Mormons hanging out here and offering insight, I'm not okay with orthodox Mormons hanging out here and telling us we are all going to hell/would understand things better if we just prayed about it/were humble enough to realize the blessings of the patriarchy. Same is true for anyone else grappling with religion or life, or whatever.
I'm okay with a SAHM or a WOTH* or a SAHWOTHWFHM/D* hanging out here and talking about what works for them, I'm not okay with accidental smugness in which people talk about how dumb or neglectful one or the other are.
I'm afraid that I don't know how to balance some of those thoughts myself, so I stay quiet rather than fuel unproductive wars that just hurt feelings. I'm afraid of that, I've been on both sides, neither is fun.
While I'm not necessarily afraid of this, I do wonder sometimes about the purpose of writing opinions that may change hourly, or daily, or even right after I hit "publish." That is a stupid reason not to write things, but I'm admitting that it is true.
I'm sometimes afraid of the feelings I feel when I write, especially when I write about the church. My transition out of Mormondom, then sort of back into Mormondom, then somewhere in between again, has been painful. Furthermore, it happened during my first full year of teaching, through two(ish)** lost pregnancies, and three pee sticks and a third chance that kicks angrily when I play music too loudly in my car. When I reached 12 weeks, and felt confident that she was here, I stopped writing because I wanted to just not feel anything anymore. I was really tired. I also really wanted to watch TV. It had been a long year.
But I've missed writing, and I've missed being brave. We have so few opportunities to be brave these days. If I write more, I'm going to do so while remembering that I'm still human. I may say something accidentally stupid or insensitive, I may combat feelings I don't like, I may change my mind. I may just talk about TV, sometimes. But I don't want fear to run my life, or my blog. ***
So in honor of two men who somehow always managed to say what they wanted, productively and kindly:
"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." Mahatma Gandhi
"God grant that as men and women all over the world struggle against evil systems they will struggle with love in their hearts, with understanding good will. " Martin Luther King Junior.
*Work Outside The Home Moms
*A bunch of letters to symbolize a person who works inside the home, works part-time, has done everything imaginable over the course of being a parent, is a mom or a dad. The letters don't really even make sense.
**Haven't talked about it here before, still have unresolved feelings about both times, feel guilty that I count one more than the other, and miss one more than the other, and will probably never speak of it again.
*** Feel a desperate need to talk about something less serious, so will say that I will allow fear to run my TV watching habits, because Criminal Minds is still terrifying, but I watch it anyways.