no delete effing thursday

This probably won't be super friendly, but maybe it will be. I'm kinda feeling the rage today.

 However, I have a kid, so no one gets offended by me anymore. I can probably say whatever I want. PLUS, now that the kid is here I can comment on stuff, and no one can say "You will feel differently when you have kids." Also, not to be a total bitch, but a lot of the big stuff I believed before having kids, the stuff that was supposed to go away when a surgeon SLICED OPEN MY UTERUS, I just believe it even more now. Take that, mofos. Seriously, I think some people believed I would become a Republican Conservative Family Values Limbaugh once I had a baby.

I will still be your friend if you are a Republican Conservative Limbaugh. I will also cancel out your vote every year. Take that into consideration. Also, I probably won't be your friend because, get this for bitchy, I have an honest-to-goodness friend quota. I do. I have a set number of people I will be friends with at any given time, because otherwise I start to feel overwhelmed and depressed. Don't worry, the number is big, and I frequently grandfather people in, but if you are a Republican Conservative Values Limbaugh, you better also make damn good cake. *

Since I obviously have a lot of feelings about my C-section, let us talk about this for a moment. The next person who tells me they wish they could have a c-section because it would be so much easier, or the next person who gives me the judge face because I didn't get to have my hippie rainbow-filled-natural-birth-of-joy, will incur my wrath in a really mean way. Did you read the part about getting my uterus sliced open? And taken out of my body and then put back in and stapled shut? No. I did not push the kid out my vagina. But I didn't take the easy way out, and I would have punched a puppy if it meant having a different experience, so leave me alone. Especially, especially, ESPECIADAMNALLY, if you tell me that the reason I had to have a C-section is because my husband's Priesthood Blessing didn't work. Does the Priesthood expire or something? Like milk? Oh, I'm sorry, one day past the due date, no blessing for you. Please, people, there is only so much ish a lactating girl can take.

In other news, I officially do not understand Fashion Blogs. Fashion Blogs are weird. I'm not talking about people who write about their lives and occasionally post an outfit post. That is a little weird, but I'm a voyeur, and if people want to write/post about that, fine. But the blogs where it is just pictures of what they wore, and where they bought it? I don't get it. Why are you wearing those heels at the beach? What is the occasion? I NEED SOME NARRATIVE. I also do not get the comments that go on and on about how inspirational a fashion blog is. At best, a fashion blog is entertaining, but certainly not inspirational. Gandhi is inspirational, the ability to buy clothes at J.Crew is not.

I had to stop talking about Fashion Blogs because I think it would be weird to have stronger feelings about Fashion Blogs than my Birth Story.

Hmmm. What else, a post feels empty without any mention of my Mormon Issues, but I'm not feeling it. Dear Ensign, don't take the wings off angels in paintings and make them wear Caranessa Garment Tops.  (See what I am talking about HERE.) It makes us look creepy and weird and desperate, and yes, Imma say it: cultish. That is basically all, though. My friend Sarah asked me to write a post about what I like about Mormonism. I think that is a great idea (Sarah is one of my friends who frequently tempers my madness,) but I don't want to do it in the same post where I hate on fashion blogs. Instead, I will do a one for one deal. One thing I don't like: the Church being weird about Modesty. One thing I do like: Primary Programs. The kids are always funny and enthusiastic (anyone who has ever heard "Jesus wants me for s sunBEAM" knows what I am talking about,) and it is as close to a gospel choir as Mormons get. So Primary Programs for the win!

Lastly, if you want to see a freakishly cute picture of my baby, her chin, and her friend Andrew, please go HERE.

I feel better now, thanks.

*Sigh. Now I have to backtrack so I don't sound like an awful human being. I want to be your friend if you are awesome, because you can never have enough awesome. Basically, I bring up the quota whenever someone tells me I need to be friends with someone for some socially appropriate reason I don't get, or I realize the other person isn't into it either. See? The Friend Quota is just a mercy killing thing. Not legal in Utah, but totally legal in friendships.


Mormon Spinster said...

Rage on, Child Bride, rage on. It's your body, your baby, and your freaking business.

And as for the painting debate, I'm pretty sure Mr. Bradbury would have a few words to say about that. "Fire is bright, and fire is clean."

TheOneTrueSue said...

I have a friend quota too. I just do not have the emotional capacity to be a close friend to more than about two people. I can be CASUAL friends with plenty of people, as long as they never expect anything from me whatsoever. I probably won't call you, or hang out with you more than once a quarter, or go shopping with you, or - well - be there for you in any way whatsoever. But I'll text you and leave messages on your Facebook wall once in a while. (Special!) I am truly just too busy at this point in my life.

Luckily I don't need to invoke the friendship quota all that often (AWKWARD) as people are not generally banging down my doors wanting to become friends. Not because I'm unlikable but because I never go anywhere but home and work and I work with a bunch of married programming dorks. So my social set is pretty limited.

I had four c-sections. Anyone who would be so socially clueless as to tell me I took the easy way out would receive a prompt facepunch.

Rachel said...

Thanks for the comments about not changing your views just because you have children. I don't have kids but I like to think I'll still feel the same way about modesty and gay marriage and other things then as now (if not more strongly...) I second your appreciation of primary programs, too. Always one of my favorite Sundays. I don't see that changing unless I'm ever put in charge of it which frankly, sounds terrifying. Oh- and fashion blogs. Hilarious.

Jennifer said...

It's just awesome how real you are!

Nicole Holloway said...

I heart your blog, it's always good for a laugh, some great introspection and a feeling of solidarity in this conservative mormon world we live in. If anything having a child has made me feel even stronger about my convictions, I want my little boy to know I will love him no matter what decisions he makes in life, that I'll support him always and that it's important for him to be kind, loving and accepting of others!

Arual said...

Kudos on the having-a-baby-didn't-change-my-strong-beliefs--I remember being told that having a baby would change my religious leanings (long-term and current agnostic/atheist). It didn't. I guess that makes me a bad person.

As for the birth thing, well, we all do what we gotta do to get our babies out healthy. There's not always a choice in how that works out, and who cares anyway? Saying that a c-section is the easy way out or that it's less fulfilling than a vaginal birth is pretty degrading either way, but I don't think people mean it that way... still, it's difficult to get past the thoughtlessness to see the kind intentions behind the words. Even the judgmental comments are usually out of concern for you and your baby's welfare, not necessarily to be mommier-than-thou... at least, that's what I'd like to think when I'm not cynically analyzing every word people say.

I have a facebook friend quota. If I'm being honestly honest, it's mostly (but not entirely) because I don't want to have my in-laws in on my life to that extent. Sorry guys, 50 is the limit.

Kristen Oda said...


Emily said...

Ew, people really said that a C-section was an easy way out? Are you kidding?! That is crazy talk. If there is a next time, will you please go to those people the day you get home and show them your torn up abdomen because I'm pretty sure they just sliced open your mid-section!

Emily said...

I feel a little sick now after clicking on the angel censored link... Not cool. I agree it is weird that people assume we will become more republican after children, it has been almost 3 years since I had my first and I become exponentially more liberal with each passing year.

Lisa Louise said...

did someone seriously tell you you had a c section because Dan's blessing didn't work?! that is freaking ridiculous. anyhow, love the rant :)

Angela Baarz said...

A) People have such strong opinions about c-sections and such. I get so tired of it. Growing and birthing a baby is hard work no matter how it all goes down. People need to just let parents (and doctors) make the decisions on the specifics and leave it at that. I had a c-section with my little girl. If I have a c-section by choice for the next one, I know someone somewhere will inevitable tell me I should do a VBAC. And if I do a VBAC someone somewhere will inevitable tell me I should just do a c-section. How about I pick for me and you pick for you.

2) The angel Ensign thing is CREEPY WEIRD. That's for pointing that out to me. I'll add that to my list of weird mormon stuff

Nemesis said...

I'm with Lisa Louise. Please tell me nobody actually said that your C-section was the result of an ineffectual blessing. TELL ME. ("SHOW ME your paso doble . . . ")

And yeah. I'm not bothered that I have become more liberal since I had a baby, but was hoping that perhaps babies make you magically more SPIRITUAL, see. Turns out they don't. At least not for me. If you replace "spiritual" with "tired, freaked-out, and increasingly prone to swearing" then you've got it.

Wendy said...

I think people say things like you'll change your mind when you have kids because they somehow can't believe that a person can be a "good" Mormon and a democrat/liberal/whatever-the-heck-they-disagree with. Acting like you simply haven't had enough life experience to come around to their way of thinking insulates them from having to question those beliefs.

My family claimed I'd realize republican/conservative/whatever was "true" once I finally graduated and went to work - I guess paying taxes is suppose to make me think social programs are much more wasteful than my owning a bigger home or nicer car?

The painting alteration makes me sad. It reminds me of when members are uncomfortable being around someone who doesn't share a belief (like Word of Wisdom for example), because they aren't living up to our beliefs - never mind they may be living up to their own far better than we are. People who get that concerned about insulating themselves from all things not expressly "Mormon" miss out on so much. And I'd rather the Ensign editors not make that decision for me.

JustMe said...

Dear Steph:

You know I've been reading your blog for years. You also know I'm older than dirt - a Republican - a conservative - and I think you can safely assume I believe in "family values".

What I DON'T know is what a "Republican Conservative Family Values Neo-Nazi" is.

I am going to hope that you threw in "neo-Nazi" in what you thought was a humorous moment. I also hope that you did not intent to offend anyone with that baltant, ugly and deeply offensive tag.

For someone to equate Republican conservatives with the Nazis is so horrible it begs belief.

My father landed on the beaches of Normandy and lost his leg after the Battle of the Bluge. Interestingly, he was sent to SLC to recover.

My grandfather was a German Jew, and if he hadn't left Germany early in the 20th century, I probably wouldn't be writting this now.

Please rethink the labels you put on people because they are unfair, unjust, and evil.

Stephanie said...

@Just Me

It was intended to be humorous, and while I don't believe all Republicans are akin unto the Neo-Nazis, I do think the extremists are. (I think extremist liberals are equally bad.)

However, it was not intended to offend good friends, like yourself, so I changed it. I'm sorry for the hurt feelings.

Michelle Glauser said...

I think it's weird when people say that small infants have friends. And since I've lived in Germay, I can understand that being offended by using the word "Nazi." It's funny that Americans use that word to mean "someone who is crazy-adamant about something," when Nazism is so much more evil . . . not like all your labels.

Anyway, word?

Michelle Glauser said...

Ack! I just read the thing about the edited Heinrich picture and now I am seeing red.

UK Yankee said...

Steph, please please please GET OUT OF UTAH. Holy crap, I've never heard anyone say anything as stupid as the C-section/blessing comment.

(I don't remember if I told you congratulations on having your baby - she is a total cutie!!)

LC said...

It took me a year to come to grips with my c-section gone bad. A year and a lot of tears. I won't even get into the eight weeks post-surgery I waited to not feel like I was going to blow apart every time I sneezed. There's nothing easy about childbirth.

(I do, however, believe c-section babies are much cuter since they don't have to get their faces smashed while coming out a body part that's far too small for their exit anyway.)

Give yourself time to deal with your birth story however you want to. And the next time someone says something out of line about it, smile politely and say, "I'm going to give you a minute to think about what you just said. Then you will restate your comment."

Sue said...

This probably shouldn't have made me laugh but it did :) I feel the same about the friendship quota. I hate feeling obligated to be someone's friend just because others have told me to. It makes the "friendship" awkward.

JustMe said...

Thank you Stephanie. I have been reading you long enough that I thought you were trying to be funny - but in this case you were misguided.

You are a student of English and I love history. For you, WWII IS history, but it was much closer to people of my generation. While your grandfathers may have fought in the war, my father and the fathers of my friends were members of “The Greatest Generation”.

My brother, Albert, who has studied WWII in great depth, inadvertently contacted someone in a tiny town in Belgium. That town had been liberated from the Germany army by my father’s tank battalion. For the people of the town, my father and his fellow American soldiers were heroes. The man from Belgium invited Albert to visit him, and my brother did so a few years ago. Albert was overwhelmed by the reception he received in Belgium. Even though 60+ years had passed since the liberation, the people of the town still remember and honor the American soldiers who had freed them from the Nazis.

Like you, I dislike extremists of either party. Because of my Jewish heritage, I have studied Judaism and the Holocaust for many years. I am currently reading “In The Belly Of The Beast”. I can highly recommend “The Hiding Place”, “The Source”, “Stones from the River” and other books if you want to delve into history. Hopefully, you will be inspired to forever lose the term “neo-Nazi” from your vocabulary, except for those evil people who actually are Neo-Nazis.

I am aware that I did not address the main point of this blog. My advice to you about people’s remarks on your life is to look them in the eye and say, “My personal life and the decisions I make are none of your business, but thank you for your concern”. I have spent many years cultivating a reputation for being a person who says exactly what I think, and I highly recommend it.

Keep writing blogs that challenge us to think and laugh. And may I second the comment that said “get the hell out of Utah”. I think Utah is one of the most beautiful states in the country but hell would freeze over before I would live there because there are too many damned Mormons!

BTW, I make a damned good cake and even better chocolate chip cookies. Love you and so happy that you are a mother – you’re going to be a wonderful one.

Zurmely family said...

i think the c-section/vaginal delivery debate is just another form of the mommy wars. stupid. giving birth sucks. end of story.

that edited painting made my blood boil.

someone at church told my son, who swims competetively, that swimming without a shirt on is immodest.

this modesty-obsession is becoming insane. said...

I think I would have PUNCHED the person that said you had a c-section because of a "failed" blessing. Then I would have shouted, "Well, I guess you didn't use enough faith when you prayed this morning that you would be safe and protected! Ha!"

gurrbonzo said...

You'll feel differently when you have MORE kids.

Just kidding.

Amen to a lot of this, including the friend quota. I pride myself on being quite friendly but sometimes I'm just at capacity.

"Ghandi is inspirational, the ability to buy clothes at J. Crew is not" might be my favorite line. Inspirational, even. Bahahaha.

Katie said...

I love that you have a child and feel the same about everything. I love that you rage. I love that you can articulate so clearly what I feel, but don't know how to put words to.

I love reading your blog. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in what I feel.

Also that you for inventing words like especiadamnally. They make me giggle.

ChristyLove said...

If I ever meet you and give you the judgey face about your c-section, rest assured that it's the goddamn-that-sucks-you-had-to-have-major-surgery face, not the I'm-so-sorry-you-didn't-do-it-my-rainbow-granola-sunshine-way face.

(No bones about it, I'm totally granola. But I wouldn't judge your life. That's not what real hippies do, maaaaan...)

Thank you for the backtracking. Because I've decided we're internet bloggy friends, in my head.

Mrs. Clark said...

I will begin by saying that I believe in miracles, and I believe that God answers prayers. But I also get a little uncomfortable with stories such as, "The woman driving the car suddenly felt prompted to stop, and she did--just as the little boy went running out in front of her," and crediting this to the boy's parents praying for his safety that morning. Well, it's been my experience that bad things often happen in spite of prayers, blessings, etc. I don't know why sometimes the Lord intervenes and sometimes He doesn't, but I do know that a lot of life's experiences are simply part of mortal existence and life is perilous.

Hang in there. You are terrific. C-sections are hard to recover from, and I'm glad both you and Clara are here and thriving!

Melissa said...

A-HUGGIN-MEN about the C-section. I had mommy guilt for AGES about people telling me that I birthed my babies "wrong" because I had C-sections. UM, no. Don't judge me! Mind your own GD business, thanks though. (I had to FB the rant to my friends. haha, some crunchy weird hippies are gonna be MAD tomorrow!)

I may not always agree with you on mormonism stuff (thought the wings chopping off thing seems weird? WTF?) I still love reading your Blog.

and also, as a last side note, who the hell says that a Priesthood blessing doesn't work?! Like all of the sudden it's like "oh you worded that wrong" and doesn't work for you? I also struggled with "well you must not have enough faith" or BS like that. Sometimes things happen. And that's just how it is. It's the point of us being here to manage our way through the challenges we're given. Thinking that God, and the priesthood have failed us (for whatever reason) is really depressing. What dummies.

Miss Molly said...

I want to tell you about a conversation I had recently with my sister-in-law. But it has to be told in person. Just as a sampling, I'll tell you that when I told her I was done having children after "this one" (I'm due in two days) she GASPED. Truly GASPED. It just gets better from there.

She's also the one, who, while Pres. Monson was speaking at general conference said, "I wonder why Pres. Monson only had three kids?"

I don't even know where to start with that. Rage seems like a good starting place.

Thanks for your fabulous blog.

And because I want to be your friend, I'm sharing these blog links with you to see if I qualify:

miche said...

The commenter above, miss Molly, highly recommended your blog. I took her advice and read it. I've read the last several posts, back to where you were talking about your teaching career and whether teachers should have to give up their lives to teach. I'm sure I could write volumes on that topic myself. But, instead I just want to say
1- yes, you say out loud what other people (at least me) are thinking
2- you are a very very brave writer and it is personally cathartic to read your blog.
3- it is an inside joke between my husband and I that we actually do have friend quotas. we call them friend slots. currently, our friend slots are rather full, but if you lived nearby, I'm sure we would get along famously and you might win a slot ;)
4- congratulations on the birth of your daughter. I am a former teacher and I had 5 weeks of maternity leave with my first child. I can imagine how you must be feeling (even if it IS summer now.)

Stephanie said...

@ Miche

I've been reading Molly's blog for a long time. We are e-friends, in my book.

I'd be friends with all of my blog readers (except the douchebags/haters.)

No one believes me when I say this, but I'm boring as hell in real life, and borderline autistic to boot. I'd avoid eye contact, say something not funny, and sort of hope you guys don't get too alarmed.

miche said...

I'm glad you read Molly's blog too - it is amazing. We have been friends with Molly and Vic since they were first married. Love them! I'll be your e-friend. At least you are interesting on the internet. I am exactly as boring as my blog is :) Well, my blog is the family photo album/scrapbook/memory keeper, not a great place to write and vent my personal frustrations. That would probably be riveting if I actually wrote it all down. or not.

Mrs. Walker said...

I'm back to stalking again. You know. Your old stalking friend from years ago in the Milcreek ward. Can I say amen to getting the heck out of Utah? Oh my.

Love your blog. So glad I came back to visit. And congrats on the baby!