6/12/14

consider that day that you decided to consider yourself as a person (Guest submission)

This is a guest post in response to the possible excommunication of Kate Kelly and John Dehlin by the LDS Church. I understand the anger and sadness and frustration expressed by this contributor. The role of women is so limited in the church, and breaking that mold is extremely painful. 


Hey you. Yes, you. You, 25 year old going on 26 Mormon female of presumably heterosexual persuasion. You have so far been doing everything “correct” during your 25 years here on Earth (with the notable exception of how many times you say the word “fuck” in a given day). Alas, you are ready to accept that your ovaries will soon shrivel up and die inside of you, and you may have to freeze some of your eggs in case by miracle chance you meet The One™. 

 Presumably, you are a perfectly fine person. You may not look like Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover model Kate Upton, but there is at least one human being on this planet that would consider you attractive in any sense of the word.  Unfortunately, I have to remind you that you are still unmarried, probably single, and have people incorrectly assume the amount of cats in your home. That is problem number one. Problem number two stems from the fact that you are probably educated in some regard. Damn that bachelors, masters, and/or PhD! Though there is an acceptable amount of Mormon men who enjoy the amount of education and knowledge that you’ve gained over the years, they do not exist in your life, or they’re married to someone that is not you. 

The other problem you have is that you are probably way too picky. Why can’t you just pick any damn person with a penis and God’s power here on Earth (though it is easy to confuse them for being the same thing). Clearly you need to overlook the collection of porcelain dragon figurines on his mantle and see that this is The One™.  Not that a collection of porcelain dragon figurines makes a man undesirable, but there maybe something about this person that is clearly getting in the way of you two getting it on for eternity. That something is you. But again, you are searching for The One™ who is presumably a unicorn.

Now regular society will look at you and say, “That’s crazy! Who would want to get married at 25?” Even though you are in the world, you are totes not of the world; and therefore when the world says that your biological clock is erupting in your thirties, your Mormon biological clock is a bomb that goes off past the age of 21. If you do not get married to a Mormon man now, you might need to commit yourself to a life of cat-ladydom stat for there is no hope for you. Don’t even consider marrying a non-member, you heathen. Just a life of you, your cats, and total celibacy. Upside to this: not taking care of a passenger van for ten people. For let us not forget, a Mormon woman’s worth outside of a life of marriage verges on non-existent.  So as your womb collects dust and eventually gives way to mothball babies, consider that day that you decided to consider yourself as a person and not a mere vessel for baby production. Was it really worth it to see yourself as a human being that exists outside of Mormon cultural constraints? To feel unshackled from years of indoctrination via Young Women’s semiannual lists of what qualities their future husband will have (please let him be a RM and an Eagle Scout!)?


You are your own person dictating your life through your choices. Your life and identity is not defined by your unoccupied womb or your possibly permanent status as a single lady.  You can define yourself in any way you want to. Just don’t let the bastards get you down.

1 comment:

bev said...

Amen! (And thank you!)